Oh, the 2000s. Many a music career was launched in this decadent era. But many also crashed and burned-hard. Bust out your
iPod Shuffles and get ready for a trip down memory lane, because who doesn’t love being compared to a poorly written song.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18): 

You’re quite the humanitarian, Aquarius. And what makes sad college-aged people feel happy? Dogs. “Who Let the Dogs Out?” You did. You let all those fluffy bastards out and we love you (and the Baha Men) for it.


Picture me this, my friend: The duality of your sign is perfectly represented by Shwayze’s breezy tune “Corona and Lime.” They go together like peanut butter and jelly. Just don’t get Coronavirus and Lyme disease, those two DO NOT go together.


You’re the definition of “Party Like a Rockstar,” Aries. You bust onto the scene with panache and soak up that spotlight like no other. Hopefully you won’t end up like the Shop Boyz: Irrelevant.


You really are “Beautiful,” Taurus. The sweet, dulcet and overplayed tones of James Blunt’s nasally voice are somehow calming, like you.


You’re just so darn busy all the time, Gem. It’s almost like you’re... “Crazy,” by Gnarls Barkley. But like the fun kind of crazy. You know, the call-a-friend-in-the-middle-of-the-night-for-a- cigarette-because-you’re-drunk crazy.


Hey Cancer, what are emotions like? Feeling all the time must be pretty draining, kind of like Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day.” Yeah, that seminal anthem about all the feels on a rough day. That’s you.

LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):

Your heart burns white hot with a blinding passion, Leo. Just like that deep passion that Fountains of Wayne have for “Stacey’s Mom.” But less creepy, and without fantasizing about your girlfriend’s mom. You do you.

VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):

Virgo, you’re logical and practical all the dang time. And that’s dope. You’re *drum roll* “The Reason” that so many of us nutjobs stay sane. We could never forget all you’ve done for us, but we already forgot Hoobastank ever existed.

LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):

College is about striking the perfect balance of binge drinking, eating and being late to class. What better way to personify this, Libra, than Asher Roth’s classic “I Love College.” You know you love going into debt to gain 30 pounds.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):

I hate to do this to you, but it’s happening. You, my devious friend, are “Butterfly” by the super good and definitely not cringe Crazy Town. The song is what a barbed wire tribal tattoo sounds like. Do with that as you will.


Sometimes getting a little stoned helps to figure things out, Sag. You know this. That’s why you’re “Because I Got High,” by Afroman. Just don’t get all apathetic and not clean your room because you got high.


Cap, your ability to maneuver through the physical and emotional planes is impressive. So impressive that you would go “A Thousand Miles” for anyone, just like Vanessa Carlton would. That’s your theme song, no take backs.