What do all literary triumphs in the United States’ vaunted canon have in common? A theme. And before you skip ahead on this quiz (or actually read it), so too does this horoscope. We may share the same literary universe in the sense that the random guys in the background of Marvel films are a part of saving the day, but that’s okay. The Kaimin horoscope proudly presents: Literary greats of the star signs.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):
Aries, when you commit, you go all in. And so did Maya Angelou. Whether it was her writing, activism or her being one of the most badass intellectuals of the 20th century, she always gave 100%. Just to spark a little competition, Angelou earned over 50 honorary degrees. Get crackin’!
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):
It’s all about honesty, ambition and ‘tegrity, Taurus. And same for Harper Lee’s characters in “To Kill a Mockingbird.” By golly, Atticus Finch was just a small time country lawyer looking for the truth! But, did Lee really write it? Or was it Truman Capote?
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):
Looking back on the past has, and always will, get you nowhere, Gem. Same with Ayn Rand. Shit, she created an entire philosophical movement, objectivism, from her works “The Fountainhead” and “Atlas Shrugged.” Objectivism requires production for happiness, man. Can’t find that in the past.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):
Hi you, nice to meet drunk. That’s probably not the tip of the iceberg that a Cancer like Ernest Hemingway would start off with, but he did slam the booze. And he was highly creative, just like you! So creative that he turned in 40,000 words when he only had to do 10,000! What a guy!
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):
You’re loud, Leo. And just a tad obnoxious, but it comes from a good place. Right? Ray Bradbury, author of “Fahrenheit 451,” captured loud and obnoxious perfectly with his dystopian world where books feel the burn. What’s more obnoxious than burning a bunch of books that were just hanging out, being books? Nothing.
VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):
When work calls, you answer immediately and get the job done, Virgo. So did Upton Sinclair. The mad man wrote over 100 novels! He dove so far into the work that he spent nearly two months undercover at Chicago meat packing plants to research for his classic “The Jungle.” That’s dedication, and a lot of beef.
LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):
Sometimes life is about finding the balance between writing Southern Gothic literature or getting heinously drunk by noon. William Faulkner, a Libra, did both. One could say that was the harmony he, and all Libras, seek. Or maybe he was just a booze-hound who was wicked with a pen.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):
Bet ya thought Poe was going to go here? Wrong, you faux edgelords. For you, Scorpio, it’s Kurt Vonnegut all day every day. Lucid, bordering schizophrenic trains of thought about how you’ll manipulate your way to the top? Why you’ll find that in Vonnegut’s “The Sirens of Titan.”
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):
As if Mark Twain being a Sagittarius was not a better fit! The man defined what it meant to do things, as Frank Sinatra sang, “My way.” He worked on a riverboat, filed numerous patents and even predicted his own death would coincide with Haley’s Comet. But the best part is when he wrote about Satan coming down to Earth to get his freak on in “The Mysterious Stranger.”
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):
Cap, you can be a tad of a perfectionist. And it’s really not all that healthy for you. Just ask Edgar Allan Poe. Well, maybe he was more of a narcissist, but they think they’re perfect so it works. And when people didn’t like his work, boy oh boy did he get mad! And drunk.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):
Aquarius, you come into the world and see that it could be spruced up a bit. Kind of like leaving the guest room nicer than when you came. Toni Morrison did the same in her writing. Her telling of the Black experience in America through works like “Beloved” and “Song of Solomon” left an indelible impact on millions.
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):
Pisces, you’ve really got big “live and let live” energy. And so did Holden Caulfield, the rambunctious, couldn’t-give-a-fuck character form J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye.” He just wanted to curse and smoke cigarettes like a big boy, and so do you. #letHoldenlive.