horoscope 4/17

Finally, at long last, after what seemed like an eternity, the end of Aries season is in sight. Praise Jove. Fittingly, 4/20 is coming up this weekend so the horoscope this week is all about Beelzebub’s Broccoli. Light one up and put on some chill tunes because it’s Taurus season baby.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):

Y’all probably think making a big deal about 4/20 is beneath you, but odds are you’ll find yourself dazed, confused, and hungry just like the rest of us. Get on board.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):

Do y’all even smoke? We’re skeptical. You should try, although this week’s not really about you, sorry.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):

4/20 ain’t no thing for a Pisces, because every day is 4/20 for you. Your power has been recognized.

Aries (March 21 - April 19):

Your season is coming to an end this week, and honestly, that is good news for everyone. Just try to make it through the week without landing in a full-body cast. Y’all need to have a rip and just chill.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):

Tauruses are quietly thriving this week, ready to take their crown for the next month. It’s no coincidence their season starts on 4/20. The vibe of Taurus season is sitting outside on the ground on a sunny spring day toking on a fat doobie.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):

The most unfortunate among us this week will be desperate enough for weed that we’ll end up trying to hit up the Gemini bro who says he has the “chronic” and always asks you to bring a girl over when you go to buy.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):

Cancers are going to end up babysitting their friends who overdid it with the edibles and, while we know that’s not your favorite thing to do, it’s what makes you special and we love you for it. There’s nothing like having a Cancer around when we need someone to tell us everything will be alright and we’re not going to die.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):

Leos are just gonna glide through this week, bumming hits from their friends and casually flirting with dealers for free weed.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22):

Virgos are getting ready to crush it this week because that grow room in the basement has finally paid off, and they’re sitting pretty on a fat stash ready to make fat stacks.

Libra (September 23 - October 22):

Libras are unable to read the room and will be forcing the rest of us into long, drawn-out conversations about how time is relative and the universe is love when we’re just trying to get an eighth and get out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):

Scorpios will get high this weekend just so they can stare at their phones for an hour and say “Alright, bro, I’m ‘bout to head out.”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):

Our sweet Sagittariuses are always blazing up and acting goofy. They really lighten the mood in a room full of stoney bolognas, and we stan.