Zoom School

We’re back at it again peeps! It may be a new year, but ain’t nothing new with people and their relation to the star signs. And guess what, UM hasn’t changed much either. Yeah we got a cool ice rink now, but we all still live on Zoom and drink White Claws at 9 a.m. during syllabus week. So let’s kick this show off with Capricorn szn baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 


CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19): Ayo what up sea goats? Allegedly, you all know how to navigate life quite swimmingly. So this first week should be a breeze, right? You’re all registered, got that good WiFi and ready to crush the emotional stresses of distance learning. 


AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18): Aquarius, what will we do with you? You’re a rebel at heart, but sometimes you gotta stick to the system. So that means if you signed up for an 8 a.m. class as a rebellious gesture, perhaps it would behoove you to actually show up. 


PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20): You’re one emotional fish, Pisces. It’s okay to feel, but maybe not all the time to an overwhelming point. So don’t stress about classes right now. Kick up those feet, make the plunge to get that Peacock account so you can rewatch “The Office” (again) and just take care of yourself. 


ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19): Ambition is never a bad thing, Aries. But where you place ambition and headstrong nature matters most. So maybe don’t get the drive to create the next viral TikTok and instead pay attention to your stats class. 


TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20): Well, looks like it’s time to hop out of bed and get to work, Taurus. You can take your time getting to class, though—you’re probably Zooming in anyway. So bust out the PJs and click that camera off. Grab life by the horns, right? 


GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20): Wait, how many credits are you taking? You don’t have to put yourself through such a ridiculous schedule, Gemini. Why not join the rest of us peons and take 12 credits and relax. Or spend two hours a day writing a brand new daily schedule, whatever makes you happy. 


CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22): Cancer, you’re like an accidentally nosy crab. You can read a room like no one else. Whenever you walk into any classroom you instantly feel the big case of the fuck-its that everyone has. Does that apply to digital classrooms as well? 


LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22): Lights, camera, Leo baby. Online classes? No, no that won’t work. How will people cherish your existence through a screen that they aren’t paying attention to? 


VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22): Practice certainly does make perfect, Virgo. But at what cost does perfection come? Definitely sleep, that’s for sure. So put the ruler that you’re using to perfectly line up your notes down and take a nap. 


LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22): Life really is all about balance. But striking that balance is hard, isn’t it, Libra? Like balancing your white wine intake with the proper amount of chips and salsa while reading your way-too-expensive textbook that you probably don’t need. 


SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21): Just try not to kill anyone this semester, okay? 


SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22): You’re always on the quest for the Holy Grail of knowledge, Sag. Kudos to you for that. However, is that 100-level philosophy class really indicative of that dogged pursuit?