After a good run these last three months, Kaimin Horoscope is done for the semester. We’ve carried you through the blissful highs of Pisces season and the chaotic lows of Aries season. Here, under the grounding stars of the Taurus, we take some time to reflect and predict what the warm months of break to come will have in store for you beauties. Also for Geminis too, I guess.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19):
OK, we get it already. You’re grounded and reasonable, and you’ve got it all figured out. Sage wisdom from the highest of horses is what the rest of us will get from Capricorns this summer. And as much as we hate to admit it, you’re generally right. Congratulations. Don’t let it go to your head.
AQUARIUS (JANU- ARY 20 - FEBRU- ARY 18):
Get that customer service voice ready, Aquarians. Y’all were born for the hustle economy, which is good, since y’all are going to be hustling every day until they finally put you in the ground. This summer will require much hustling and bustling. Y’all will be the Uber driver with the plastic sleeve on the seats filled with snacks and hand sanitizer.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20):
Pisces are always just swimming along in the current, going with the flow and letting huge swaths of time pass without a thought for the “future” or “responsibilities.” The semester will end, you’ll blink, it’ll be mid-July, and you won’t have done anything except smoke weed out of every different kind of fruit in the Orange Street Food Farm produce section.
ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19):
Aries are going to get into some trouble this summer. Let’s just say we see a dangerous fire sea- son ahead. We’re not pointing fingers, but we fully expect a major blaze to start when an Aries or two get together in the woods with a liter of Nicolai and a pack of Virginia Slims.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20):
There’s a summer full of grillin’ and chillin’ in store for the Tauruses among us. They’re going to get really into smoking meats and brewing beers at home. They’ll likely also develop a keen interest in Bob Seger and Steely Dan deep cuts and cultivate a wardrobe of cut off jean shorts and Hawaiian shirts. Days spent admiring your lawn and commenting on the weather are in your future.
GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20):
We haven’t been very nice to Geminis in this horoscope lately, and that’s totally reasonable. We feel completely justified because y’all are often terrible, horrible monsters. If you want ustobe nicer when we return next semester, here are some things to work on this summer: try to go the whole summer without calling another person a “smoke show,” don’t harangue clearly disinterested passers-by to join your slackline group, and do not, under any circumstances, wear a bucket hat and a tank top as part of the same outfit.
CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22):
Oh boy, Cancers. You are going to go through all the feelings this summer. A kaleidoscope of personal-life changes will reach its peak with a smooth-talking hottie who is extremely into you appearing at the absolute worst time. What happens next is up to you, crab kings and queens. Will you let that sweet piece of bait float on past you as you scuttle on along the ocean floor or will grab it in your vice-like claws and devour it until there are just bones left? We recommend going for the bones.
LEO (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22):
Seasons don’t really matter to Leos, since they live much more in their own head than they ever do in physical reality. You will likely just breeze through summer, looking hot and having a grand old time in your own little universe. Consider joining our shared reality every once in a while, and remember hot people are just regular people who are hot.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22):
This summer will be one of ultimately fruitless effort and frustration. You’ve got all these new outfits for warm weather and you want to strut around town looking fine. But the reality will be a lot more sweating through all your t-shirts and showing up to every social gathering flustered and out of breath. Real hot mess vibes here, find an experienced Aries who can help you roll with the punches.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22):
Libra is the official summer bummer of 2019. None of you will be any fun to be around until the end of September.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21):
We foresee a lot of recently divorced dad vibes in Scorpio’s future. Sloppily unshaven, eating too much junk food, and just generally being a deadbeat. Get a productive hobby and a job so you don’t end up homeless by August. The sun is not your enemy.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21):
We really think Sagittarius need to go on some type of “Eat, Pray, Love” style journey of self discovery. Take a scenic tour of the Chernobyl Reactor, visit the ashes of the Notre Dame, or canoe down the polluted waters of the Yangtze. You’ll come back a new person, changed down to a cellular level, maybe even with a superpower or two.