gamer fuel

For the past few weeks, YouTube has bombarded me with ads for Mountain Dew Game Fuel, telling me it provides “victory in a can,” scientifically guaranteed to improve my “alertness and accuracy” on the virtual battlefield.

But why was I being targeted for Game Fuel? I’m not a gamer, and I don’t drink Mountain Dew or any other energy drinks. I am not in middle school, nor do I JUUL. It must be because I lust for one thing: victory. And the algorithm knows.

I needed to experience the rush of a LAN party, but I had no MMORPG with which to experience it. So instead, I grabbed two cans of Game Fuel (original and tropical) and a family-sized bag of Flamin’ Hot Nacho Cheese Doritos and headed to some friends’ house to impose my sugar-fueled gamer rage upon them.page1image43904

The taste of the Game Fuel was utterly unremarkable, so I won’t dwell on that. We’re here for the experience.

As my friends scrolled through their phones and “The World’s Most Extraordinary Homes” provided Netflix white noise, I felt my body welling up with the alertness and accuracy only high-fructose corn syrup can provide. They each nodded off on the couch as I gradually spoke louder and louder about how alert I was becoming. Soon I was blasting Rihanna’s 2016 album “Anti” on the Bluetooth as I danced alone in front of a living room mirror.

Unfortunately the opportunity did not arise to test my improved accuracy, but I can say that this non-gamer was Game Fueled into a night of victory in a can.