Well fuck, Mercury is about to be in retrograde again. Bad timing considering it’s Valentine’s week. Are you single? You’re probably safe. Are you dating? Yikes. Here’s how to survive love week in the shadow of Mercury.

Broken Heart Burrito

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Shit fuck shit. Is that your ex in line at Taco Sano? Screw the breakfast burrito, it’s time to run.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)

We really hate to play into Pisces-being-overly-emotional stereotypes about you guys crying all the time, it’s just that you guys make it so easy. The punchline to this is that you’re crying on V-Day again.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Ok, so we are so happy for you for getting the number from that rando you met at Pie Hole last weekend, but is there any way for us to convince you not to go on a romantic date with them? The wedding Pinterest board you’ve been making is kinda freaking us out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Do it. Slide the “Will you date me? Check yes or no” note you wrote during the first week of classes to the stranger who sits next to you in Intro to Stats. You’ll either have a date or a free hour every Thursday when you drop out in shame.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You are casting your hook out into the water that is every bar downtown, but no fish are biting. We don’t know what to tell you. You don’t smell weird if that’s what you’re worried about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You do have a date this Friday! With all six seasons of Glee. Ooh baby. The episode where Finn makes the “Grilled Cheesus?” Prime television.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Go stand in the middle of the UC commons at lunch time and just shout to the University that you need a date. Maybe someone will like your spunk and approach you?

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

You’ve got it all figured out! The perfect V-Day! Massages! A four-course dinner! Roses! You’ve made the reservations! Now you just need to find someone who will actually date you!

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You keep positioning yourself at the same corner table of your favorite coffee shop hoping that someone will see you and just, like, get you, you know? This is not a music video, please stop pretending that it is.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

You know what’s SUPER romantic? Your job. You should totally start dating one of your coworkers. What could possibly go wrong?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec.21)  

It’s just you, some EasyMac and the plants in your apartment that you’ve named as a means of feeling less lonely.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Maybe it’s time to go dig yourself a snow cave on Mount Sentinel and hibernate for a few months. You can always ask your friends to take notes in your classes if you’re worried about missing anything important while you’re gone.