Alright nerds, it’s time to talk about Dungeons and Dragons. STOP LYING! We know you have fantasized about slaying a dragon in the table-top roleplaying games world at least once. And if you haven’t, here’s a taste of the mad vibes you’re missing out on. Listen, sometimes being a magical little elf feels nicer than facing the hell-hole we live in. So let’s break down what D&D class fits you the best.
LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):
Libra, you’re that bitch. You know, That Bitch™. As the sorcerer, you’re just inherently good at everything you do, and you don’t understand why some things are hard for other people.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):
You fucking freak. We all know you’ve always dreamed of being in a cult and so you live out your fantasy as a warlock. You have this weird connection to a pigeonhole deity who gives you eldritch powers. But really it’s your Sugar Daddy Roger. ;) And your ~ magic ~ is just shitty tarot card readings.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):
Ranger is just too perfect for you, Sag. You dream of wandering the world, getting drunk and hunting monsters. But when it comes down to it, you like to stay on the sidelines of the fight with your bow and arrow, away from the messiness.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):
You are the most disciplined sign, so you appreciate the hard work that goes into making a good fighter. You’re really good at keeping track of your stats and maximizing your damage, but remember to have fun with the roleplay once in a while too.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):
As the rogue, you claim to be the most original party member, yet you steal everyone else’s ideas. You sneaky little snowflake. Honestly, you’re just the edgy twink who slinks in the shadows and has a tragic backstory about your dead parents. #sneakattackbecauseimafraidofconfrontation
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):
Pisces, we all know you were a horse girl growing up. So it’s only natural that you’d play the class that allows you to turn into a horse yourself. Being a druid lets you be aloof and talk to plants without people looking at you like you’re crazy.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):
Rage is your primary emotion, Aries. Or maybe that’s just the five RedBulls you downed this morning, being the barbarian you are. Either way, you should try to channel it in a healthy way: by aggressively dealing 70 points of damage each combat round using your trusty great sword Cutter.
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):
Taurus, as the bard, you embody the manic-pixie-dream-girl trope, and you know it. You flaunt your stuff because you’ll do anything to get your way (and you secretly live for the chaos NO CAP). But don’t think we didn’t see you trying to seduce the Beholder. ;)
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):
The most self-important class, for the most self-important sign: wizard. You guys absolutely reek of pretentious bitch, and you can somehow talk faster than all the other signs without anyone knowing a word you just said. And while you sometimes think you’re powerful enough to take on a god, we all know you’re the squishiest one here.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):
Cancer, you’re inevitably the cleric in every game. And even after complaining after every battle (and we mean EVERY one) about being on the frontlines, you’re still in the front. The monster keeps targeting you and you don’t understand why. You’re just trying to heal your wizard friend who is bleeding out in front of you. But it’s okay because at the end of the day we all need your emotional support and Cure Wounds. We love you, our whiny heal bot. <3
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):
Leo, you think you’re the main character. God himself — or herself — has entrusted you with a glorious purpose and it’s up to you to smite the evil-doers of the world and look sexy as hell (or heaven because hell is for the heretics) while doing it. Or so you think. It’s pretty clear you’re The Paladin™.
VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):
In this hypothetical fantasy world, you’re still a perfectionist. Even escapism won’t free you from that. As the monk of the group, you’re practical and quick. You have about two different moves, and they always work. #StUnnINgSTriKe