Picture this: It’s 8:36 p.m. on a Tuesday during midterms. You’re on your third scroll through that astronomy PowerPoint and starting to wish you’d asked your adviser to clarify when you heard her recommend an “astrology” class. Then — you hear it. Your stomach rumbles. You forgot to get dinner, and you have at least three more hours of studying left. Time to open up the good ol’ DoorDash app.
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)
No, that delivery driver does not have a crush on you. He is literally just doing his job. There is no weird flirtationship happening here. Still, it couldn’t hurt to order some Ciao Mambo and hope Chad is working again.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
We all remember that one time you ordered Panda Express three times in one day. We were a little concerned. But, hey, when you know what you like, right? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22)
When you were a freshman, you were the friend to insist on Taco Bell while in the Uber home from the party. Regardless if it was 2 a.m. or not. We don’t care what anyone says, Sag, Taco Bell is a personality trait.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19)
Okay, we know you don’t miss dinner. But the best of us get hungry sometimes and, let’s face it, 9 p.m. is almost midnight for you, so doesn’t it count as a new day? We recommend you order some late-night breakfast from Denny’s.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
We’ve never seen someone put down sushi quite as fast as you do. And hey, you’ve got 30 minutes before Sushi Hana closes. Get ready to field some judgemental looks from your roommates, though, when your apartment smells like spicy tuna and ginger for the night.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
Okay, Pisces. Let’s avoid the hanger and get some food in you before this night devolves into a “Marley & Me” rewatch/sob-fest. We know that line, and we know you’re rapidly approaching it. Might we suggest some fries from Five Guys, instead?
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
We aren’t sure how to explain this, but Wally and Buck just perfectly matches your energy. A burger is exactly what you need to make it through this hellish week of midterms.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
Ah, ol’ faithful. Chipotle. There are no surprises. It’s high reward and low risk. Because if there’s one thing you don’t like, Taurus (especially when it comes to food), it’s risk.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):
You guys secretly feel like you’re the protagonist in a New York City indie movie every time you order from Vietnam Noodle. Like, “Oh, you haven’t heard of it? Well, you wouldn’t know. It’s this little hole-in-the-wall joint.” (If only it were nestled in Brooklyn Heights instead of directly adjacent to the Jo-Ann Fabrics off Brooks).
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
What better comfort food than Noodles and Co., right, Cancer? It’s like a warm hug from your mom — an assurance that you’re gonna make it through this, in the form of some bomb-ass mac and cheese.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
Was there ever any question? Pie Hole, of course. The star of the show. The belle of the ball. The creme of the crop. The — okay, we’re done.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP. 22)
Getting to this time of the night without eating is no oddity for you. The leftover takeout boxes packed into your fridge like Tetris blocks are a testament to that. We have to tell you, though: you need to eat. Order some Koh Chang Thai. Those $17 noodles are worth it.
Is it written in the stars? Or, rather, WAS it? Here are the last few horoscopes: