Well, well, well. The time has come … graduation. Though some of us have been dreading this day — what the hell are we supposed to do in the real world? — it’s still a time to celebrate, right? But first, we have to shout out all the boomers out there for rejecting us from job positions because we are too inexperienced, have one nose piercing and an infinity tattoo … WOOHOO! Here’s how you’re celebrating this gLoRiOuS day, according to the stars of course.
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):
Bro, trying to hide that forbidden lettuce by blowing the smoke into your gown is doing nothing but making you look like the goddamn grim reaper with smoke coming out by your ankles. Bonus points, though, for making everyone around you higher than a bat’s ass.
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):
POV: You’re standing in line and the person next to you said the breeze feels nice, right? Little do they know, it feels extra nice for you because you’re buck-ass naked under your gown. Going commando never felt so good, but the chafing is lowkey awful. #wildandfree.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):
Daddy just said he’s proud of you for the first time in your life. Too bad you don’t get Curry’s student-rate therapy any more — have fun raw-dogging your mental health.
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):
You’ve been waiting four years for this moment. Daddy Bod, you better pucker up, because we did not pay thousands of dollars to NOT kiss you on stage.
VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):
You’re so excited to finally achieve this amazing accomplishment, congrats queen. But oh no! They mispronounce your name so fucking hard you can hear your family laughing in the crowd. Everything is ruined. Fuck college. Fuck the system. I hate my degree.
LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):
Fuck Libras, I never liked you. This is a personal attack. It’s a genuine miracle you made it to this point. You should have dropped out freshman year. Getting a journalism degree? WTF is wrong with you? I hope everyone boos you off stage.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):
You’re just gonna sit in the crowd and vibe. Are you supposed to be down there with the other graduates getting your diploma? Technically yes. But is sitting next to emotional MILFs a better alternative? Absolutely.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):
FACT: You do not know how to do a backflip. FACT: That won’t stop you from doing one as soon as you’re handed your diploma. Getting a private escort out of the stadium by the ambulance will be lit AF tho.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):
You feel nothing but power and vodka running through your veins. College is weak shit, it’s time to grab life by the ass and DOMINATE your way to the top of the corporate ladder. Watch out, Elon.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):
Hell yeah lil mama, you made college your bitch. HELLA honors and a 4.0 — you should feel proud. But, instead, all you can feel is dread because you just got your 43rd job rejection letter this morning lmao. I heard Scheels is hiring …
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):
Wow. The moment is finally here. It’s so emotional. It’s actually too emotional and you cry so hard you pass out in your chair and miss your name being called.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):
You are an unknown number of shots in. Your piss is green. It’s a miracle you made it up on stage, but you don’t care — you made it. It’s go time. Time to go shit acid. #bestyearsofyourlife