Conspiracy theories are like the fan fiction of reality. Just because it’s not canonical doesn’t mean it isn’t true, you know? For this spooky issue, let’s see which conspiracy genre describes you best.


SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

Moon landing hoax. You know that scene in “New Girl,” where Nick and Jess air out all their differences so Schmidt can’t break them up? And Nick tells Jess the moon landing was obviously faked? You’ve had that same conversation with your partner. Admit it. 


SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22)

Flat Earthers. Okay Sags, please don’t take offense at this. It’s just, we couldn’t not include the flat-Earth conspiracy theory. And, well, you guys are a little eccentric. We can’t apologize for speaking the truth. 


CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19)

Lizard/mole people. We’re assigning this to you, Caps, mostly because we aren’t completely sure you’re not mole people. Or at least, you’d like to be? Living underground, away from all the bullshit, free to judge at your leisure? Kind of a dream.


AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

Illuminati. Alright, Aquarius, you pretentious goofballs. If you’re not actually gonna be in the illuminati (which, we know, is your real dream), you’re at least going to be well informed. Anyway, maybe then you’ll be recruited. 


PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

JonBenét Ramsey. We feel like this one is self-explanatory. (And it was the neighbor, by the way.)


ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

Chemtrails. Ever since your slightly deranged grandmother stopped by to drop off some birthday money and complain that the government is poisoning us with pesticides disseminated through air travel, you haven’t been able to shake the feeling that maybeee she isn’t so crazy, after all.


TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

The Mandela Effect. We know just how excited you get when someone asks you to explain it to them, Taurus. You smug bastards.


GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):

Cryptids. Chupacabra, the Loch Ness monster, the Jersey devil. Geminis, don’t lie to us, you dreamt of hosting one of those “Finding Bigfoot” shows when you were younger. And if you’re still brainstorming ways to market your degree for this purpose? Well, that wouldn’t surprise us either.


CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

Birds aren’t real. As funny as that TikTok trend was, you didn’t think it was a laughing matter. It’s what you’ve been preaching for years.  


LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

Area 51. You often imagine investing in a nice tent, filling up on gas and driving to the Nevada desert to prove, once and for all, aliens are real. Just prepare for your film debut when you star in “60 Minutes” after suddenly going missing from your campsite. 


VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP. 22)

Ted Cruz as the Zodiac Killer. Virgo, your obsession with serial killers is a little concerning to us. And so is the fact that you have a whole page of your planner dedicated to proving Ted Cruz’s guilt. At least it’s color-coded, though.


LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)

Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. You’ve read up on all the Reddit pages examining each possibility for the flight’s disappearance, from aliens to black holes to government collusion. You’ve become such an expert, people ask you to explain at parties.

 Is it written in the stars? Or, rather, WAS it? Here are the last few horoscopes: