It really is week eight of the semester. Montana’s COVID-19 cases are breaking daily records, the last presidential debate was a shit show and midterm grades are starting to trickle in. You know where we’d rather be? Anywhere but here. Let’s combat this mounting sense of dread with a little escape fantasy, as a treat.
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)
It’s 10 a.m. and you’re at a business brunch filled with all the execs you’re going to floor with your presentation. You’re in a freshly pressed pantsuit with pointed heels that perfectly complement the color scheme of the entire outfit. You’ve prepared the exact right amount for this.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
We know you, Scorpio. We know that you dream of driving to the edge of a Norwegian fjord and looking off into the distance with melancholy. You stand there and let the salty ocean wind sting your face and hands. The cigarette in your fingers is getting damp. But you’ve never felt more alive.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22)
You’re sitting in your chic apartment decorated with tapestries and world maps. You’ve just gotten off the phone with a sponsor for your next European travel tour, who’s offered to pay for a trip extension. Now, you’ll have time to visit that exclusive German nightclub you’ve always wanted to try. But first, you need to update your itinerary.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19)
It’s Thanksgiving, and you’re bringing home your partner to meet your family for the first time. You play Pictionary after stuffing yourself with turkey, and snow falls softly outside. There’s Baileys in your eggnog.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
A log cabin, a stimulating novel, a crackling fireplace. Maybe some strong Irish whiskey and a dark leather chair as well.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
We know you’re on cottagecore TikTok, Pisces. And we’re gonna be sure to reflect that here. Just picture the “bling” effect over this whole picture: A quiet, misty morning in your Seattle cabin. You’re exploring a national forest with your golden retriever Spot. There’s lots of flannel and Patagonia. Maybe a child named after an object found in nature, like Stone or Acorn.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
Dropping out and forming a band. That’s it. That’s the fantasy.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
For all your practicality and pragmatism, Taurus, we know you’ve always secretly wondered what it would be like to sell all your belongings, use the proceeds to buy a guitar and move into a hippie van. Straight up “Into the Wild”-style. Denouncing material possession could be the solution to all your problems. Just make sure you stay in touch with your family, okay?
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):
Gemini, you have a whole-ass portfolio of escape fantasies to pair with whatever mood you’re in on a given day. In the rotation now is the one where you walk into a coffee shop and have a love-at-first-sight moment with Tom Holland, who’s there because he’s filming something in your city (This isn’t gender-specific, either; Tom Holland transcends sexuality).
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
You know that Robert Frost poem? The woods are lovely, dark and deep? That’s where you are, Cancer. You’re in those woods. The snow is absorbing and silent and peaceful, and your horse is a bit more content than Frost’s was.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
You’re walking across campus one day when the casting director for a new “Harry Potter” reboot spots you in a sea of socially-distant students. Oh, my god. It’s you, Leo. Exactly the fit for that star role they’ve been searching for. Hopefully you won’t mind being swept up then and there into a life of fame and fortune.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP. 22)
You’re a fashion editor in New York City. You have a young intern with whom you’re tough but fair, so she may one day fill your shoes. Perhaps you seem like the villain, but really, aren’t you the hero? Come to think of it, this is “The Devil Wears Prada.” You are Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada.”
Is it written in the stars? Or, rather, WAS it? Here are the last few horoscopes: