With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, you might have been feeling a little green lately. But what kind of green are you? Are you sick? Are you envious? Are you a sadistic giant who sells pees? Let’s find out.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Don’t take that letter from your parents the wrong way. We’re sure they’re not completely disappointed in you for majoring in psychology. Sure, they said, “watching you grow has been super boring,” but that could mean anything.
Aries (March 21-April 19):
Kermit the Frog
Here’s some piping hot tea for you: dating the over-emotional performer might not be conducive to a stable relationship. But that’s none of our business. Love the banjo though.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Woah, man. Just…just…just chill out, alright? Relax. Sit down and ponder life’s deepest questions. Like, what would happen if we put ping pong balls on our toast instead of butter? Do you know how crazy that would be?
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Need some spice for your love life? Maybe it’s time to test out that urban legend, err, discovery that green M&Ms can maximize your sex drive. Contact your doctor if they cause you dizziness, bladder problems or an erection lasting more than four hours.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
People just don’t get you. Sure, you might be in a few too many fanfictions and a little too eager to kick people out of your house, but deep down, you have layers. Just like…like, um…that one vegetable. We’re blanking.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
There are a lot of tempting metaphors here, but it’s unclear how our editors would feel. If only we could write about how long your hose is. Or how you could have it checked if it’s dysfunctional. Or how we sure wouldn’t want to get sprayed with that thing. If only.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22):
Good luck lies ahead of you. Or, you’re simply a superstition being used to commercialize an Irish holiday in a society where annual celebrations like this have lost their original purpose because the billionaires in Silicon Valley haven’t bought any private jets in the last 10 seconds. You know, one of those things.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 22):
Green Eggs and Ham
You will not work in your dorm. You will not work where it’s warm. You will not work at a desk. You will not work in the West. Procrastination makes you cram. Just do your homework, Sam I Am.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Let’s see. You’ve got some of the most respected presidents in our country’s history…and Andrew Jackson. And you’ve also got…wait. Is that the Illuminati symbol? Uh oh.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
That pickup truck is a good look for you. With a sexy motor like that, you’d be right at home in a Blake Shelton music video. Or how about one of those Christmas TV movies where you move from the city to a Christmas tree farm and discover what really matters in life?
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
I’m sorry but you’ve got to wake up. September ended quite a while ago. Now, quit being a basket case, pack your 21 guns, and keep on traveling down the only road that you have ever known. Good riddance.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
The Jolly Green Giant
Is watching low-wage farmers do your bidding while you shout a synonym for “slut” three times in a row really how you get your sick kicks? Get a hobby. Try a sport. Do anything else!