Welcome back to the Kaimin Sutra. WE KNOW the only places you actually take advice from are CoStar and the Kaimin horoscope, so hold on tight ;) because it’s time for the Horny-scope™ part 2! Springtime is just around the corner, just like your next orgasm … or is it? Too bad the groundhog said there are still six more weeks of winter. But here at the Kaimin, we are determined to help you nut, using the stars of course.  

 

PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):

It might not have been the best idea to get a Bluetooth vibrator and give Chad the controller after two weeks of dating. We get it, you think he’s the *one,* but — BREAKING — the *one* doesn’t understand you don’t want to ~arrive~  in the middle of breakfast at the Food Zoo. 

 

ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):

POV: Your friends want to float down the Clark Fork River, but they’re short one tube … no worries! Your inflatable sex doll floats and the mouth hole is big enough to hold at LEAST one White Claw. LET’S GO!!!

 

TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):

You can be all or nothing with no in between sometimes, and that’s OK. What’s not OK is when the whole Miller Hall can hear the swaying of your sex swing with each thrust. Like, how do you hide that during inspections? Asking for a friend. 

 

GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):

Strap on, but it’s up to the audience to determine whether you’ll be using it, or it’s being used on you. Come on ladies, peg your man. 

 

CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):

You just need to feel something — anything. That’s why you decided to take a bath in the lube that is supposed to make you tingle. But turns out you are allergic to half the ingredients in it. We respect it, just keep an EpiPen nearby <3.

 

LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):

No, you weren’t dreaming, and honestly you weren’t even that drunk when you decided to order an alien dildo. When you squeeze it, it lays an egg inside you. But hey, I bet no one else in Missoula has one, so that makes you the No. 1 alien dildo mother. 

 

VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):

We know you like to be prepared, but maybe don’t keep the fleshlight and flashlight in the same communal drawer. We know you did it because they are relatively the same size and fit perfectly together for quick use, but please, just don’t.

 

LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):

Why didn’t anyone tell you the ornate glass sculpture you bought at Underground Thrift was actually a dildo? Smh you literally posted a pic of it on Instagram.

 

SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):

Your partner can’t tell if you actually swallowed the key to the handcuffs during sex or if you were just joking. They may be pink and fluffy, but a bitch got work tomorrow and they do not follow the UM dining uniform standards. 

 

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):

We know you don’t have an indoor voice, but like, shut up — nipple clamps can’t hurt that bad. Lewis and Clark’s walls are thin and your window is open. For fuck’s sake, my guy. 

 

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):

When someone needs help, you can be the responsible friend. Most people carry ibuprofen or tampons in their backpack for emergencies, but you keep multiple travel vibrators for the homies hurting for a squirting. Thank you for helping those in need <3.

 

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):

Nobody gets you. Nobody understands that you like your dick in a cage. Nobody understands you using it as a metaphor for how society has trapped you from cumming, I mean blossoming. Nothing hits like post-nut-clarity.