What is Missoula without its cult faves? Who hasn’t eaten a Front Street Breakfast Burrito or waited in line at Pie Hole as if you didn’t have to work at 9 a.m. the next morning? Every sign has something in common with one of Missoula’s own weirdly-specific classics.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
The Roxy: God it’s so artsy of you to nonchalantly put out your cigarette out in the glow of the retro marquee before walking in and watching “Little Women” for the sixth time. To be clear, we are not shading “Little Women,” we are shading you.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20):
The Oxford at 3 a.m.: “Nightlife” for you is less of the party scene and more of the late-night-pool-and-big-plate-of-breakfast-during-witching-hour scene. What’s life without an Oxford biscuit at an ungodly hour?
Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Feruqi’s Flaming Lamborghini: Let’s face it, everyone needs the friend who makes them drink actual flaming alcohol for their 21st birthday. Someone has to drag the group into Feruqi’s and make the bartender fear for a potential lawsuit on a Tuesday night. It’s your cross to bear as the Aries of the friend group.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
Hiking the M: We get it! You! Like! Nature! Even! In! February! Please stop asking us if we want to torture ourselves on every single one of those goddamn switchbacks!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Stocks o’ Clock: In the Venn diagram of Dancing To Party Bangers From 2010 and Drinking PBRs, Geminis and Stocks o’ Clock are right in the middle. Please don’t get in a fight outside. We can’t guarantee we’ll stop you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
Meagher Bar Mac: There were a number of ways you could have spent your Saturday night, and you chose to order in and eat mac & cheese from the comfort of your bed while watching your eighth hour of “90 Day Fiance.” This might sound like we’re judging you here, so we want to make it clear that you made the right choice.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Front Street Market Breakfast Burrito: The sun. The center of the universe. The fucking king of breakfast burritos. No one can shut up about the Front Street Market Breakfast Burrito, and you can’t shut up about yourself, so at least you have that in common?
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Plonk Cheese Boards: Oh so classy of you Virgos. You probably scheduled that Monday-Evening-Cheese-Board-And-Cocktail date in your calendar four months ago, regardless of who it was you were dating at the time. “Who” is not important. Only cheese. Cheese is what’s important.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22):
Liquid Planet Avocado Toast: “Aw it has pumpkin seeds on it! That’s, like, so not what I expect on avocado toast but, like, it’s so good.” — Libras right before they take a picture to post on their story with a “But first, Brunch!” GIF in the corner.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21):
Big Dipper (but like, in winter): You like going against the grain. You’re not like other guys. You’re funky. You’re ... freezing your ass off waiting outside for ice cream? But it’s cardamom flavor, right?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Local House Shows: Is it really Missoula if you haven’t been invited to stand in the basement of some house and listen to the newest local band? Try not to think about what would happen if the ceiling gave out and buried you with a bunch of high wildlife bio majors.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Pie Hole at 2:30 a.m: Has anyone ever actually been to Pie Hole during normal business hours? You certainly haven’t. It’s fine. Call that Uber and get yourself a slice of potato bacon to eat drunkenly on the way home. If you’re lucky, no one will try to flirt with you in line.