Fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of, but after watching hours upon hours of PornHub in quarantine, aren’t you ready for something spicier?
Never fear. There’s plenty of kinks to be found in your favorite fairy tales, and NSFK’s going to find the best one for you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22)
You’re hungry for some vorarephilia, or the act of one living being eating another. If M&M commercials are getting boring, check out “Little Red Riding Hood” and watch Granny get swallowed whole by the big bad wolf.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19)
Speaking of wolves, your best bet is “The Three Little Pigs.” If you dig deep enough online (and are okay with a computer virus or two), you might find a version of the hogs rolling around in some mud, perfect for wet and messy (a.k.a. WAM) fetishism.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
If you wish that magic kiss hadn’t turned the frog prince back into a human, then you might be into autozoophilia, or imagining yourself as an animal. That prince should have been proud to be blessed with such an elegant, slimy body.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
Unlike Sag, you actually want to DO the eating. Therefore, feederism, or a fetish involving eating and weight gain, is for you. Now, imagine yourself devouring the witch’s house in “Hansel and Gretel” and have fun.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
You thought that Goldilocks stealing the bear’s porridge was just plain wrong…but also kind of hot. Or maybe it’s just your kleptophilia, the sexual attraction to theft.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
When someone calls a song a banger, you call it a 10. That means you have melolagnia and are crazy about music. Alas, you’ll never be as lucky as those mice “The Pied Piper” lead, but a music-lover can dream.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):
A song is good and all, but for you, poems are the real shit. And the taunting verses Rumpelstiltskin weaves about his name are just what the doctor (and the metrophilia) ordered.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
Don’t worry if your first crush was the titular character of the “Princess and the Pea” and it wasn’t the princess. It just means you have objectophilia, or a love of inanimate objects. Too bad the pea didn’t get to be on top.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
You just love a happy ending, especially one with feet. “Cinderella” has the goods when it comes to your foot fetish (Or podophilia, if you want to sound bougie on OnlyFans).
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP. 22)
Oh Virgo, how you love long hair. Like really, really long hair. Just like Rapunzel’s. Trichophilia is your thing and hair brushes and conditioner are your kinks. Keep it gold and wavy you hair freaks.
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)
You’ve got a long one (long fetish, not…never mind). You’re into autassassinophilia, which means you love it when your life’s in danger. And whose life has been put in more danger than the misunderstood Ugly Duckling?
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
You like big people and you cannot lie…the giant and/or his wife in “Jack in the Beanstalk” are looking pretty fine. Don’t fight the macrophilia, or love of gigantic creatures. Just let it flow.
Is it written in the stars? Or, rather, WAS it? Here are the last few horoscopes: