It’s a little unfair that Scorpio Retrogrades make us feel chaotic in a powerful way and Pisces Retrogrades just make us chaotic. Take a vitamin D supplement and power through the next few weeks. 

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Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20): 

Buy yourself a record player so you have an excuse to go to Rockin' Rudy's and look through the vinyl. Wear a gray flannel. You belong now.


Aries (March 21 - April 19): 

Do something wild and out of character and delete your social media accounts. “Who even cares anymore?” you’ll ask yourself, before you remember that your crush just started following you. Oopsie! You care.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20): 

When your ex pops back into the picture with the ol’ 2 a.m. Insta DM, the proper response is no response. Please do not fall into this trap again!!! We are tired of hearing you ponder which emoji is the best to text back.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20): 

You could vamp up your resume and start applying for summer internships …. or …. you could take a tour of every coffee shop in town, set up your laptop, and pretend to vamp up your resume, while really just hoping that some rich stranger will fall deeply in love with you in the middle of Liquid Planet Grille and make sure you’ll never have to worry about getting a job again.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22): 

You’re going to have some sort of realization. We can’t be sure of the specifics but we do know it’ll hit you out of the blue at 10:37 a.m. Love that for you.


Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): 

THIS IS A PSA: “Self-care” is not “throwing your planner in the garbage and eating only sushi for the rest of the week.” Tempting, definitely, but not necessarily the most responsible way to be spending your time...unless?


Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): 

God, maybe try proof-reading your tweets before you send them out? We know how much you hate typos but even you are getting sloppy. Get a grip Virgos, Jesus!


Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): 

Go to the library to study and try not to get too distracted by your crush fully taking a nap in the autobiographies section. We realize that suddenly President Calvin Coolidge is VERY interesting, but if you don’t pass this ethics midterm, your adviser is going to lose it.


Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): 

Maybe — and just hear us out on this one — your relationships would do better if you told people what’s bothering you instead of being the human embodiment of the side-eyes emoji? 


Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): 

Take a walk down memory lane and cleanse your Facebook account of all of your cringey seventh-grade quotes. Unless the idea of your future employer seeing your emo phase doesn’t totally make you want to vomit.


Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):

Spice up your life by signing off on every text and email with “xoxo, Gossip Girl.” It makes you sound mysterious. Like you know a secret. Intriguing.


Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):

Your Capricorn roommate just sent you a text that ended with “xoxo, Gossip Girl,” and tbh, you are freaking out. How did they know that you lied when you said you went to the gym when really you could have been easily spotted at Market on Front, breakfast burrito in hand?

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