Listen, college is hard. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes you fail real bad. Sometimes the midterm essay doesn’t make it onto your planner and you get sloshed on the due date and wake up too hungover to write the damn thing. And sometimes you put it off for a whole week before remembering that, shit, your scholarship is tied to your GPA and you really can’t fail this class. So how do you salvage this situation? Through astrology.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):
Essays are pretty important to a college class. But they don’t have to be, as long as your professor has something else to worry about ... like all four tires of their Kia being slashed. I’m sure they won’t think twice about granting you an extension once you offer them a ride to class. And if anyone asks, you have an alibi.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):
One essay isn’t a big deal. You’ll be fine if you just do well on the next one, right? You’re good at essays. You got this. Now go back to eating Takis with chopsticks while you cry your eyes out watching the new Taylor Swift short film on repeat.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):
Write a bad essay. Convince your professor to grade it on a curve. Frame everyone else in your class for violating academic integrity policies. Boom. Life? Hacked. Essay? A+. Hotel? Trivago.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):
Just email your professor and ask nicely for an extension like a normal person. Your classmates had the misfortune of being born under the wrong sign, but you are an Aquarius! So you’ll get a 60% because you were too much of a weak bitch to set fire to the Environmental Studies building and falsify evidence that your professor did it. Imagine just asking for an extension. Cringe.
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):
It’s too late now. Everything’s ruined. Drop the class immediately. Hell, drop out of college. This shit blows.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):
Find someone else to blame and rope them in on it. I’m sure your roommate would be more than willing to type up a heartfelt confession of sabotage in exchange for this week’s grocery duty.
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):
Write the essay. Turn it in exactly a week after the deadline. Insist that the professor told you the wrong date. They know you’re lying. You know you’re lying. You know they know you’re lying. But at least this way you hang on to some shred of your tattered pride, which you have attached to your academic achievement for some reason. Go to therapy.
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):
You’re going to have to gaslight this poor soul. Your professor has so many essays to go through, is it really so unbelievable they’d lose one? Send a civil yet mildly frustrated email asking why your essay hasn’t received any feedback yet, and act incredulous and confused when they say you never turned it in. Of course you did! You’d never forget an assignment!
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):
Take some tips from your cheating sack of shit ex-boyfriend when you caught him and just start crying in your professor’s office. Don’t stop until they’re uncomfortable enough that they’ll promise anything for you to just stop leaking all over their printed-out XKCD comics.
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):
It’s too late to back down. You need to come up with an excuse that absolves you of any responsibility. Concoct a relative and then say they died, and the loss affected you to the point you couldn’t do the essay. Oh, and you’ll need to have an obituary on hand and a picture of you at the funeral, because your professor has played too much Ace Attorney and WILL catch any contradiction.
VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):
You get a syllabus for a reason. Your roommate will watch in horror as, in an “Imitation Game”-style montage, you calculate exactly how much your grade goes down per day late, and whether you need to adjust your predicted final grade to keep your GPA at an optimal level. And then, when you go to turn in your algorithmically perfect essay, it turns out you forgot about participation points and you were fine all along.
LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):
You’ve sent the perfect email that convinces your professor to give you a week’s extension! Unfortunately, composing that email took another week and about as much effort as the essay would, so you’re back to square one.