Who says we can’t have fun on Fridays during COVID? Everyone. The CDC. Us, a humble college paper horoscope. Every email from Seth Bodnar encouraging us to defend our den. Anyway, it’s time to get creative with our Friday nights.


VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP. 22)

Sit outside in the light of the moon and contemplate why you chose to take so many credits and not one, not ONE, is yoga. You could have become a yogi. You could be out here under the moon doing night yoga. You’ve gotta relieve this stress somehow.


LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)

We don’t know...build a pillow fort maybe?


SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

Take advantage of the fact that you and your roommates have already had to spend a frankly absurd amount of time together and make a personalized game of Guess Who featuring everyone on your shared shit list.


SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22)

Turn on some old jazz and try to cook something fancy, like Easy Mac. Pro tip: add in extra cheese, you bougie bastard.


CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19)

Convince your roommate to learn partner acrobatics in the living room. You want to be like the people you see in public parks holding each other upside down or whatever.


AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

 Watch a compilation of all of the party scenes from “Euphoria” and wonder if you looked that cool at the last party you went to. Can you pull off “Euphoria” makeup? You’re about to find out.


PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

This is it. This is the perfect time to (re)download Duolingo and finally become fluent in Latin.


ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

Steal the login info for your prof’s Zoom and have a little study party. And when we say study party, we mean drinking alone together with the other students in History of Rock and Roll.


TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

Your latest escape fantasy is dropping out and becoming a bartender. “But how can I learn if I can’t go out?” you might ask. Answer: the cool cocktail people on TikTok who keep saying “one, two, three, four” in a really perky voice while they pour two ounces of vodka into a shaker.


GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):

Your latest escape fantasy is dropping out and becoming a bartender. “But how can I learn if I can’t go out?” you might ask. Answer: the cool cocktail people on TikTok who keep saying “one, two, three, four” in a really perky voice while they pour two ounces of vodka into a shaker.


CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

 Get yourself an ink fountain pen and a  tall dusty candle and start writing letters to your professors about your homework being late. Seal it with red wax and one of those vintage stamp thingies.


LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

Make a list of all of your semester plans. Then light it on fire. Screw it, honestly. Nothing is set in stone ever anymore, so why should your Degree Works be?

Is it written in the stars? Or, rather, WAS it? Here are the last few horoscopes: