Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Everything bagel − Why don’t you go ahead and put some gold flakes on top of your it-is-my-season-and-I-want-everyone-to-know-that-everything-is-about-me-especially-this-bagel bagel. We’d tell you to live it up, but we all know you’re one of those “birthday month” kind of people. And yes, there’s fennel on it.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Blueberry − The thing about blueberry is no one wants it to be anything yet it’s in everything. You couldn’t decide if you liked fruity bagels and you got one anyway. You don’t like fruit on pizza, but you’ll definitely be ordering Hawaiian next time just in case you do.
Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Pumpernickel − A pumpernickel bagel is the food equivalent of “Days of Our Lives.” But you don’t care, Aries, you’re special. Just like your favorite Indie band.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
Sesame − The everything bagel was just a little too intimidating, but this one has seeds too, so close enough? It doesn’t really matter, after all this is just a little pre-game fuel for watching Netflix in the back of your lecture.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Cinnamon Raisin − Just one bagel flavor wasn’t good enough for you, Gemini. What kind of cream cheese do you even put on a cinnamon raisin bagel? Swap the schmear with your ever-changing personality. There’s a chance that today it’ll be tasty.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
Spinach & Herb −The spinach and herb bagel is the hidden hors d’oeuvre of the UC Market. Just like you. You probably got this bagel in pair with one for your boo. But remember, it’s okay to eat the bagel with more cream cheese.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Garlic Parmesan − This is just another excuse to draw attention to yourself because, like, “wow I hope my breath doesn’t smell like garlic that would be so crazy but while we’re talking about me I am the sun.”
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22):
Multigrain − Multigrain means healthy, or at least that’s what you told yourself. Just get the damn bagel you really want next time. And no, you don’t need to pencil that into your planner.
Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22):
Asiago − Wow, Libra, that asiago bagel with cream cheese next to your Americano will look so good on your Instagram story. What’s next? Cycling at Sobba because it’ll, like, change your life. It’s your culture now. Just like hoop earrings.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21):
Jalapeño Cheddar − Who wants to feel some mild mouth and throat pain first thing in the morning? Get over yourself, Scorpio. Not everything you do has to be related to your self-proclaimed spicy Scorpio personality.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Clif Bar − You looked at the bagels briefly and decided there were better things to do. Picking up a Clif Bar, stuffing it in your bag and booking your spring break trip just seemed like something more exciting.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Plain − The thing about the plain bagel is there are no surprises. It will taste exactly like you expect − average. But you’re not mad, just disappointed. Use these feelings to fuel the next condescending email you send to your adviser.