Everyone’s back on campus, and you know what that means: Tinder, baybee. Social distancing doesn’t need to stop you from matching with the rando who sits six feet away from you in anthropology and then never messaging them back. ‘Tis the season.


VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP. 22)

None of us  are surprised, Virgos, by your bios: Sexuality, gender, height, major, hometown, hobby, shoe size, favorite kind of porn, “because details ABSOLUTELY matter!”


LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)

“Do you have someplace to go for Thanksgiving? My mom would love to meet you,” is the *classic* fifth message from a Libra. 


SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

“Tinder is fucking stupid.” *proceeds to open Tinder*


SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22)

Fun-loving. Free-spirited. Wanderer. Missoula. Let’s go on an adventure.~


CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19)

Call it “civic duty,” call it “weeding out people you disagree with”: “#GoVote or swipe left.” 


AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

Aquarians, we gotta say, it’s impressive that you have zero fear messaging first. We also love the idea of going to a protest on your first date. It’s called “testing the match compatibility.”


PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

We’re not saying you’re conspiracy theorists, but we just don’t think Tinder is the platform for you to insinuate that our leaders are all lizard people (they are, but that’s not the point).


ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

Ahhhh, who could forget the “here for a good time, not here for a long time…” people? We have a sneaking suspicion, Aries, that you secretly want a relationship, but who tf puts all their cards on the table? Not you.


TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

Taureans, you guys are open-minded, sympathetic, loving, supportive, heroic...until someone disagrees with you. We suggest you stick to presenting those first things in your bio.


GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):

Sum up your personality in five words: Bubbly, hard worki…oh wait, what were you just doing?


CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

“Have you eaten yet today? Come over, I can cook for you,” is a first message only a Cancer could send.


LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

You only have 500 characters to describe yourself! We know that’s a challenge. We know you have layers. Like an onion.