We realize we talk about Mercury Retrograde a lot. We would apologize but we really are just trying to help you. So yeah, blah blah blah, retrograde is happening again, here’s how to scrape by. This one is in Pisces season btw, so it’s gonna be a doozy.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20):

Woohoo! It’s finally your season! And would it really be Pisces season without the drama and conflama of another freaking retrograde? Do what you do best and respond to every DM in the most confusing way possible. May we suggest ? That’ll really throw someone off. 

Aries (March 21 - April 19):

We’re sorry, but you can’t keep telling yourself that you’ve earned this self-given work break. We love the energy of you switching off your notifications and taking hourly yoga breaks with Yerba Mate, but you’ve got to let someone know that you’ve dropped off the grid.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):

Go to sleep. It’s a freaking school night and it is past your bedtime.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):

Despite everything, you can’t seem to manage to become the morning person you’ve always dreamed you could be. We can’t seem to understand why, but maybe — and this is just a wild guess — stop ordering Dominos at 11:45 p.m. and watching nature documentaries until 3:40 a.m.?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):

Oh shit, did your professor just say something about the midterm? You were too focused on the paranormal podcast playing through the one solitary air pod in your left ear. Dyatlov Pass was, like, definitely aliens though, right?

Leo (July 23 - August 22):

You’d be lying if you said you never thought about auditioning for The Bachelor/Bachelorette to become an influencer and drop out of class. Plus, if you last long enough, you’ll get to travel around the world! Maybe Chris Harrison will take you to Cleveland, too.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22):

OK, suffice to say your social life has been a little (a lot) chaotic lately. You could either do the responsible thing and avoid any Friday night plans for the next few weeks or do the fun thing and lean into the chaos. Up to you.

Libra (September 23 - October 22):

This is it. Now is the time. You’re finally going to start flossing every night. Make it a routine. For realsies this time. Fuck yeah.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):

A few weeks ago, we mentioned someone has been trying to steal your seat in that gen-ed you hate. We hope you effectively scared them away, but if not, we want you to know we will follow you into battle. 

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): 

Do the responsible thing and file your taxes. Then do the irresponsible thing and spend the tax return on sushi takeout, drugstore facemasks and one big lamp.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):

You’ve always stood on the sidelines of any dance circle, and you’re starting to feel a little left out. But don’t worry, those late-night dance practice sessions are going to come in handy soon. You’re gonna be a star.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):

Buy a new plant. Name him Greg. Find a nice way to ask your roommate to move out so you can use their room as your new greenhouse.