trail mix

Trail mix is the perfect snack for a college student because it’s just whatever miscellaneous ingredients you want, mixed into a bag. Stale cereal, chocolate chips and dried apricots? Trail mix! Old Five Guys peanuts and beef jerky? Trail mix! Altoids, Adderall and your own tears? Trail mix for finals!

The key to giving your mix some gusto is all in the ratios. But you aren’t here to learn about the perfect trail mix. You didn’t shove all the near-expired snacks you forgot you bought into a sack because you were feeling the Martha Stewart in you. You did it because you have three back-to-back classes today and you woke up too late to eat breakfast. We’re just out here trying to survive, after all.

So instead of teaching you how to make the perfect trail mix, I’m going to address your real problem: Vultures in your class who want you to share with them. Sure, trail mix is a shareable snack, but here are five tips to keep it all to yourself when you’re feeling Scrooge-y.

Instructions

1. Soak your peanuts in arsenic. This won’t keep your classmates from stealing your first batch of mix, but it will keep their greedy mitts out of the second batch.

2. Add screws and/or shattered glass. This is a nice visual deterrent for those of us who have a hard time saying no to people.

3. Lace your M&Ms with LSD. This option is risky because, living in Missoula, there’s a 50-50 chance drugs will only make people want more trail mix.

4. Hiss like a cat when someone reaches out for your mix. This one’s my favorite because it doubles as a deterrent for creeps at bars.

5. Three words: Secret trail mix. This is just like any other trail mix, but nobody can see you eat it. I suggest non-fragrant ingredients so nobody wonders why your breath smells like peanuts. Or hide it in your coat pockets. No one wants linty trail mix.

There you have it, folks. Theses tips won’t make you friends, but at least now you’ve eaten some protein today.

Contributed by Lily Soper

Have a student-friendly recipe you want us to feature? Email it to editor@montanakaimin.com