Good news to the nine people missing “Pretty Little Liars”: After two years off the air, the franchise has been revived with a sequel, “Pretty Little Liars: Perfectionists.” 

The premise, set in the prestigious “Beacon Heights University,” revolves around Nolan Hotchkiss, the present-day Alison, and his gaggle of fake friends and girlfriend, all of whom have been blackmailed into hanging out with him. When Nolan’s body, impaled by a fence post, appears at the end of the first episode the girlfriend and friends (all of whom were talking about wishing Nolan was dead earlier in the episode) need to prove their innocence. Enter Alison, back on her bullshit, to screw them even harder than they would have been otherwise.

Yeah, no muscles were strained in the attempt to identify thematic overlap between this reboot and the original series. Considering the revival of old “PLL” characters and a remix of the same damn theme song, “Perfectionists” is aware that ties to the original show are the only reason someone would watch the new series. 

Lucky for you former “PLL” fans out there, I watched the three “Perfectionist” episodes that have hit Hulu thus far so you don’t have to. I assume I’m not the only one who couldn’t care less about the new characters. So here’s the update: 

Allison is a TA now. Mona is still creepy and there for some reason. She’s probably a TA , too, but the show is so lame that I keep getting distracted and missing what is likely crucial information. All the original liars, none of whom have appeared in the show, are happily married to their boyfriends from the OG series. Aria and her old high-school English teacher have a baby now, so, like…congratulations? Hannah and Caleb (the hottest couple of the original series, let’s be real) have a baby on the way and Spencer and Toby eloped, oh my! No word on Emily; I guess the writers were too lazy to write her out of Alison’s life. Didn’t they have a baby together or something? 

So now that you have your update on the Pretty Little Liars we actually care about, you can go back to pretending like “Perfectionists” doesn’t exist. To summarize, is “Pretty Little Liars: Perfectionists” good? No. But is it entertaining? Also no. “Pretty Little Liars” was television junk food, but its sequel is the equivalent of television arsenic.