Picture me this: You wake up on a regular Tuesday morning, checking your phone to turn off the alarm. Then you see the date. March 13, 2020, and the first COVID-19 case has just been confirmed in Montana. In this especially masochistic “Groundhog Day” situation, are you more of a Phil or a Rita?
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 –– FEB. 18): Hey you main character-lookin’ bitches, this “Groundhog Day” scenario is targeted toward you, and you only. What lesson do you need to learn to help us escape the loop? What have you been ignoring? By all means, take your time.You’re only here for eternity.
PISCES (FEB. 19 –– MARCH 20): Pisces, you’d be the one to crack the code. Love, kindness and friendship were all we needed. It turns out, the real 2020 was the friends we made along the way.
ARIES (MARCH 21 –– APRIL 19): No rules? Aries, you’d be out here living your best day. All that just-barely-held-back anger would manifest itself because the universe would allow it. Go rob a Target. Break up your best friend and her toxic boyfriend. What’s the worst that could happen?
TAURUS (APRIL 20 –– MAY 20): After the initial shock of the alarm (and being forced to wake up in general) you’d process the date with that perfected detachment only you are capable of. And instead of getting out of bed and investigating any further, you’d stay curled up for an eternal Friday the 13th.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –– JUNE 20): Instant panic mode. You know that feeling of claustrophobia, where you’re trapped and hopeless? That’s the default for you in this situation. As someone who’s already plagued by indecision, this is certifiably your Sixth Circle of Hell.
CANCER (JUNE 21 –– JULY 22): Is it a cop-out to say “curl up and cry in bed?” We know you guys get a lot of flack for your emotions. But we can’t help but agree.
LEO (JULY 23 –– AUG. 22): The fact that there are no consequences is a dangerous piece of knowledge for a Leo. You’d go right up to your crush and plant one on ‘em. Stand up to that crotchety professor. Hit the Stocks dance floor one last time, but for eternity.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –– SEP. 22): Okay, there has to be a scientific explanation for this. What are the physics of a time loop? Virgo, you’d get out your color-coordinated highlighters and pencils and get to work solving the puzzle. No way you’re reliving this day over and over.
LIBRA (SEP. 23 –– OCT. 22): “Man,” you’d think to yourself, “I have to stop taking Advil PMs before bed. These dreams are getting more and more realistic.”
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 –– NOV. 21): Scorpio, ever the opportunist. “Hey,” you’d say to your friends in class, “I bet you $10 we aren’t going back to school after today.” No one knows how to capitalize off uneasiness more than you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 –– DEC. 22): Just another morning <3. Why is everyone acting so weird? Sag, you wouldn’t realize anything was off until President Bodnar sent out an email calling off school for two weeks after Spring Break.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 –– JAN. 19): Ever the trendsetter, you’d come to school in a mask, sparking fear and judgement. Why so paranoid, Cap?