chinesezodiac

Hey team. Not to be dramatic, but the United States sucks and we need more holidays designed for eating food and drinking alcohol. NOT TO FEAR! The Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival is here! Now, on the down-low, the Chinese zodiac doesn’t ~perfectly~ line up with our typical zodiac, so we are making this shit work. In honor of a very awesome tradition across the world (that you should look up because it’s too long to explain in this little tiny space), we dedicate this horoscope to the Chinese zodiac… with a saucy twist, of course. 

VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):

Cock a doodle, am I right? It’s time to GET SHIT DONE! Being the rooster you are, you wake up at the literal ass-crack of dawn so you can make sure your roommate isn’t awake to fuck up the kitchen while you’re making breakfast. 

 

LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22): 

Does it smell like updog in here? WHAT’S UP DOG?? Yes, you’re the dog. You’re probably the favorite child because your personality is floofy and easy to like, but high-key if the vibe is off you might bite. ;)

 

SCORPIO (OC. 23–NOV. 21):

Like most politicians, you are a bit of a bore. Wait, we mean boar. You are a diplomatic and honest little piggy. Just remember a white lie here and there might save you from becoming bacon in the long run.

 

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):

Hey lil nasty rat with your lil hunk of stolen cheese. You sneaky son of a bitch.

 

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):

Everybody thinks you’re big and tough like the ox you are, but inside, you’re a fragile little caterpillar waiting for the chance to spread your wings. 

 

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):

Like most cats, you are cute and all, but low-key plotting the murder of your owner. That’s why you’re the tiger. You feel nothing, but you’re segzy so it’s fine. <3

 

PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):

You’re like a rabbit: fucking left and right and cuddling ‘n’ shit, but then the second someone catches feelings you GTFO. You don’t know when to quit, but at least you have fun doing it. 

 

ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):

You’re a dragon because dragons are big and big = pOwEr! Aries, angel, you’re pretty and all, but you’re demanding as hell and also your breath is more painful to be hit with than the fire of a dragon. Tic Tac?

 

TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):

There’s a SNEK in my boot! Only if that boot is a hightop Doc Marten though, NO CAP. Snakes are seen as wise and grounded in the Chinese zodiac, so basically, we’re interpreting that as you are good at putting together a FIT. Respect the drip. 

 

GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):

POV: You’re gracefully galloping in a field of sunflowers and then all the sudden someone lightly pulls the reins and you BUCK them the hell off you for even thinking they could control a single aspect of you. Gemini, you DIY your DIY and stay in control at all costs. 

 

CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):

Like our queen Simone Biles, you’re the GOAT. No, you are not the greatest of all time, you’re a little shit who eats anything and screams for no reason goat. You can be gentle from time to time, but over all, you’re usually just a little shit. Plz take offense. 

 

LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):

Not all of you have opposable thumbs, but you do all know how to use your hands. You’re a freaky monkey who knows how to get the ladies and the bananas, if you catch our drift.