Wake up, everybody! Despite our best attempts to manipulate time with sheer willpower alone, the inevitable has struck: It’s midterm season. Burnout is knocking on your door. As you scramble in the final hour to cram that info in, sit down and vomit all of your brainpower onto a Scantron, only to do it four more times for your other classes, you may wonder how you’ll survive. Fear not, weary youngling. The stars are here to help.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Literally, how dare this midterm be in your birthday month. The vibes? Off. Your weekend plans? Ruined. Your gorgeous b-day mascara, liquid eyeshadow and $40 foundation? Nearly smeared, had you not sucked the tears back into your eyes mid-exam. Call your bestie and tell her you’ll need an extra cocktail come Friday. You’ve earned it.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): On Monday, you walk into the exam hall with freshly dyed hair. On Wednesday, it’s shaved short. On Friday, you’re staring at a coupon for a tattoo shop. Bestie babe, we love you, but please find a new way to cope.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): The self-help book keeps saying some bullshit about cleansing breaths, but it isn’t doing shit to help you understand your programming class. What in Gates’ hell is a python? You’re finding the only language in coding you understand is profanity.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): You thought that being a psych major would make this easy. It’s just personality tests, just like Myers-Briggs with some funky numbers thrown in. You didn’t think you’d be rushing to get your mandatory research hours finished. You turn on Criminal Minds in the background — just to remind yourself what this is all for — and get cranking.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): Holy hell, you’re a senior, and you’re still weeping at the feet of your professor, begging for an extension you don’t deserve. You were busy, you cry out. You were in the hustle mindset! Somehow, this works.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): You took one look at the study guide, saw your chicken-scratch handwriting blur turn into an indecipherable blob, and just decided you were going to rawdog it. Halfway through the midterm, you’re watching March Madness on your phone.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP. 22): Your “big sister complex” compels you to make a Quizlet for the rest of the class, but you spend so much time obsessing over the details that you don’t actually study for the test. Your noble sacrifice will be honored when half the class gets an A and you don’t.
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22): Be honest: How many hours have you slept? You thought it’d be worth it to pull a few all-nighters to finish those projects, but now you’re so brain-fried you can’t understand your professor’s critiques. Did you think you could handle it. Or were you just too afraid to ask for an extension?
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): Whoever gets the highest grade in your class is put in the running for an award, so naturally, you’ve also shared a Quizlet with the class — except half the answers are wrong. Call it a girlboss moment. Secure the bag by any means necessary.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): How’s that gifted kid burnout taste? Oh, you had such high hopes for yourself. This was a breeze in high school, but as you look down the barrel of college with real-world consequences, you wonder how you’ll ever survive. You’ll get an A through sheer luck, and you won’t learn your lesson. Learn. To. Study.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): You have connections. Don’t ask how, but you’ve obtained the answer key in a devious heist involving exploitation, a romantic subplot and a noir-style veneer. Just kidding, you saw it sitting on the prof’s desk and snapped a quick picture, but the fantasy is what’s getting you through this week, so it’s the story you’re going with.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18): You thought you had it in the bag. Your flashcards were beautiful. Your notes were succinct. You bought color-coded pens to organize your every thought. Now, as you stare into the blank test sheet, you can only remember that you wrote the correct answers in blue.