If you think that headline is absolutely bonkers, then it's too late for you. You’ve been brought far too deep into the blue canine’s dark void. Don’t be surprised if you get the sudden urge to tear down the Griz Statue and replace it with a shrine to Blue.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The brainwashing tactics of “Blue’s Clues” aren’t the titular character’s fault. She’s more of a mascot than a divine cult leader. No, the real mastermind is the Thinking Chair. It’s the elusive throne that each episode teaches us to sit on when we want to contemplate the day’s activities.
Unfortunately, the show leaves no clues (pun armed and ready) about the Chair’s origins or motives. But I think I can piece them together.
The nefarious Chair invented “Blue’s Clues” as a way to train followers for a much bigger mystery: uncovering The Mega-Clue. It’s a massive paw-print buried under the White House, and anyone who touches it gains world domination.
The Chair was looking for someone to train and finally found a young high-school dropout named Steve. It lured him into the house by conjuring up colorful characters like Blue. Steve had the perfect qualities for initiation: innocence, loneliness and a complete lack of intelligence.
But Steve was too dumb. He was hard-of-hearing and had trouble finding, well, anything. Such flaws were detrimental in the mission…and in the bedroom (ba-dum, tshhhh).
And that’s where you, the show’s viewers, came in. You were indoctrinated to do the cult’s heavy-lifting, spotting each clue and screaming at dumbass Steve until he found it. You were spoon-fed the rules of the game via repetition and catchy songs until they were burned into your brain. All Steve had to do was say, “We need our handy dandy…” and you would shout “Notebook!” without the slightest hesitation. Terrifying.
There’s no escaping the Chair. But Steve tried.
He kept looking at each, “letter from our friends,” his only window into the outside world. He gazed upon the barber-shop quartet the Chair’s henchmen held at gunpoint to sing “Mail Time.” Seeing other humans made him wonder what life outside the house was like, what it meant to love someone who wasn’t a talking clock.
He wanted to find out.
Steve decided to leave for college and hired his brother Joe to take his place in the mission for the Mega-Clue. Little did he know that you don’t make decisions like that on the Chair’s behalf. The bus Steve got on at the end of the episode was promptly driven into a ravine. Like a bad cover of “Eye of the Tiger,” there were no survivors.
The Chair’s mission, it seems, is never finished. It’s still teaching children how to play Blue’s Clues, now with a new host named Josh.
This is the way the world ends: not with a bang, but with a clue.
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