Have you ever heard communist propaganda in your nursery rhymes? Did you get the “birds and bees” talk from Elmo? What form of cocaine were you introduced to by Hasbro?
In NSFK (Not Safe For Kids), we take a look at the hidden messages in your favorite shows, games, toys and songs from when you were a toddler. It’s a sexy, gory, drug-filled world out there, and you were being prepared for it before you could even walk.
One of your favorite childhood toys has been training you to be a sadist not long after you stepped out of the womb.
Mr. Potato Head, who debuted in 1952, is the one to blame for your inner demons. He’s an anthropomorphic vegetable with detachable body parts, which kids can rearrange to their liking.
The concept sounds innocent enough … for Jeffrey Dahmer. I, for one, am horrified that we’re teaching our children how fun it is to rip a sentient being apart limb by limb in the name of “creativity.”
How would you feel if someone gouged out your eyes, cut off your arms, and put them in different sockets? For the toy’s creator, George Lerner, that’s perfectly acceptable.
It gets worse. Many packages come with additional body parts that kids can mix and match. Where exactly did those new body parts come from? Sure, a toy manufacturer made them, but where were they taken from in terms of the Potato Head canon? Presumably, they were dug up from a potato cemetery.
Or maybe, just maybe, innocent potatoes were murdered, so their limbs could be used for your amusement. Fucking disgusting.
Lerner could have at least made Mr. Potato Head realistic. I know a river of blood and a voice box screaming, “Ah! Stop! Please, fucking stop!” aren’t the easiest things to market to children, but at least they’d properly teach them about the horrors of violence.
Instead, when kids remove all of the body parts, they’re treated to a hollow, faceless corpse. If you look close enough, you can see that corpse smiling. Even Ted Bundy would puke.
“Lighten up, Clint,” I hear you scoff. “It’s just a toy. How much harm could it do?”
But the truth is, it’s already done plenty of harm.
I have reason to believe that Mr. Potato Head inspired the Charles Manson murders.
I am sure there is footage somewhere of the Beatles discovering the toy in 1968 showing their fury that such violence was allowed in a product for children. The Fab Four rushed to their recording studio and took out their anger on their instruments. They smashed their guitars as Paul McCartney screamed nonsensical lyrics about a playground slide in an attempt to regain childhood innocence.
As a result, they accidentally wrote “Helter Skelter,” a song that Manson and his followers saw as a prophecy that they had to fulfill.
What more proof do you need? Hopefully you’ve already begun to fulfill a prophecy of your own: purging the world of every Mr. Potato Head doll known to man. Hell, throw out your copies of “Toy Story” while you’re at it.