Democrat or Republican, we all do stupid things. And that’s okay. We are humans, after all. However, the difference between politicians and us is that our mistakes don’t get watched by our entire nation to be scrutinized. It’s okay though. Their profession asks for it — and you bet your ass we’re going to make fun of them while also sharing some juicy astrological gossip.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19): Aries, you’re a wild breed. So is our Yeezus-Christ, Kanye West. Running for president may not have been as successful as he hoped, but the man did get 60,000 votes. Listen, you know the definition of “go big or go home,” and though we don’t recommend you run for president, we ask you DO go out and be the crazy Aries that you are.
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20): You are hard-working, Taurus — you git-r-done. Unlike Biden, because he did NOT work tirelessly hard to become president, and the entire election was a scam and stolen and millions of Americans did NOT vote, and mail-in-ballots are not real and Biden is NOT president. Nope.
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20): Everyone who knows you knows you have two faces. Most of the time, it’s a great thing; it’s what makes you special. Take our girl Monica Lewinsky, for example. She got absolutely shat on by America for literally being preyed on by the PRESIDENT, but she turned the other cheek and is now a badass feminist and activist. We love that for her.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22): You’re a creative little nut, Cancer. If only Ted Cruz had your skills to help to come up with excuses that were not absolute shit for going on a vacation to Cancún during a pandemic. We’re not mad though — it was entertaining.
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22): You got guts, Leo. You know how to ride the fine line of being too much, while also being endearingly obnoxious. You know who else pulled that off? The fly on Mike Pence’s head. That shit takes guts to go on television like that, mad respect to my guy the fly. It turned out good though; he is now forever an icon.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP.22): You know how to get the work done. When duty calls, you heed that motherfucker. Just like the FBI and CIA agents who literally risked their lives for Nixon to get that juicy scoop on the election. We hope you don't do anything THAT moronic, but you still give off that same energy in a more productive facet of life.
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22): Baby, you know a good fit check. Do you know who else does? Former president Obama. Do you remember that one time he wore a tan suit and the world (Fox News) lost its shit? Your fit this week better cause a national uprising because you've spent the last few months thrifting each piece. Even if it doesn't though, Barry O is still a kind and so are you.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21): You’re a sneaky little baddy, Scorpio. Hopefully, you don’t get caught like Gov. Gavin Newsom did after he went partying and literally violated HIS OWN RULES about the virus. Go be mysterious in a pandemic-friendly way or something, babe.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22): Hear us out ... Biden’s dogs do be poopin’ and you’re the carpet that they took a shit on. Sure, this carpet has been walked on by the greatest leaders of the world, but that doesn’t stop the dogs from needing to drop the kids off at the pool, or the heckin’ expensive taupe rug. You don’t seem to give a fuck though. #goodvibesonly.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19): You like things how you like things, and that’s fine. Making things perfect doesn’t usually cause many issues, unless you’re Nancy Pelosi. Our queen may be a GREAT speaker of the house, but when she got caught breaking social distancing rules to go get her hair done, that shit hurted our quarantining hearts.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18): You are not like other signs. You unknowingly break norms and we love that for you. Just like Bernie and his gloves — you KNOW the gloves. His quirkiness is feeding the nation and you are too.
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20): So like ... the first time Trump met the Pope at the Vatican he tried to hold his hand for a picture, and the Pope literally SMACKED that shit away quicker than it takes you to cry. We’re getting very similar vibes when it comes to your romantic endeavors; plz take full offense <3.