There’s only one thing scarier than death: shitting in the bathroom at school. This may not be high school anymore, but the fear of taking the Browns to the Superbowl in any public place is sure to be an anxiety-inducing experience. You may be one of those hard asses who hold back the crap for eight hours, but most people on the University of Montana’s campus find refuge in one bathroom or another. The question is, which porcelain throne do you claim? Pull out the Poop Maps app and look to the stars. This is where you’ll find your answers.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): You’re an old soul at heart, so nothing suits your daily shit trip better than the small bathroom on the first floor of the Forestry Building. It’s rustic, has those cute hand-crank paper towels and is secluded enough that no one will walk in on you taking the most earth-shattering shit of your life.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): In this game of porcelain thrones, you shit or you die. You could care less where you’re going on campus as long as you’re racking up the tallies on Poop Maps. They may laugh now, but they won’t be laughing when you claim your crown. Shit where you please, queen.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): Every day you slip into the Eck Hall bathrooms, strategically timing your shit before the in-between class rush. Most of the time, you refuse to crap when someone is in the room, but you’re adamant your daily routine will not be messed with. Those pure souls who wander in your path will just have to endure your farts.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): As the wild card, you naturally decide the middle of the Oval is your best bet for the bathroom. Your routine is so fucked up, you only crap under the cover of darkness (thankfully). You’ve now commandeered the title Crap-Man on Poop Maps.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): You’re a homebody, so it comes as no surprise you adamantly refuse to shit at school. You’re not self-conscious or anything, you just prefer the smell of Yankee Candles when you let loose. It’s all fun and games until you’re crapping in the middle of a midterm exam.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Nothing gets your stomach churning more than an intense glute workout at the gym. Most of the time you don’t have a choice where to go, so you settle for the first-floor Recreation Center bathrooms. The moment you shut the stall, the real workout begins.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP. 22): You’ll only settle for the cleanest bathroom on campus. You did your research and discovered your shit safe haven: Don Anderson Hall. The first and second floors may be mediocre shit-stops, but the basement is quiet AND clean.
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22): You’re loud and proud, so it comes as no surprise you let the torrents flow in the bathroom on the first floor of the University Center. Students buying coffee have the pleasure of listening to you fight for your life after eating some sus meat at the Food Zoo.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): If you’re gonna shit in public, you’re gonna shit with a view. Every time you have the urge to let loose, you brave the arduous ascent up the M-trail. There’s nothing more Montanan or more peaceful than shitting with the bears while tourists point and laugh.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): You’re power-hungry. Any chance you get to shit in Daddy Bod’s office, you take it. Not only is the toilet paper softer than a pillow, but the toilet is made of pure, 24-karat gold (so rumor says). You may not shit gold, but with this kind of power, the possibilities are endless.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): People say you’re down to earth, and you take their words literally. Whenever you have to go, you slip into UM’s greenhouse. You’ve convinced yourself that your shit is the best fertilizer for the plants. In reality, your little experiment is really just a recipe for noxious gas.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18): You may be slightly constipated, but it’s nothing a trip to Jeannette Rankin Hall can’t cure. Rumor says the building is haunted, but you see this as a positive. You prefer the thrill of shitting with ghosts.
