Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I kinda want to join a cult just to see if I could resist the brainwashing?” We strongly advise against that (though, not to say we haven’t thought the same things — I mean, just think about all the friendships you could forge). In our effort to steer you away from that path, let’s focus on the cult classics instead.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):
Aries, don’t take this the wrong way, but you guys are kinda the embodiment of, “Wait, you haven’t heard of Quentin Tarentino? Oh my God, you can’t call yourself a film-lover.” So of course your cult film is “Kill Bill.” It’s the violence as an expression of emotion, for us.
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20): POV:
“The Blair Witch Project,” but you’re the witch. The fucking Intro to Film students have disrupted your afternoon nap, hiking into the forest with nothing but a literal paper map, compass and a can-do attitude. Now it’s time for your revenge.
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):
“Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Gems, you have the duality. You are constantly serving us Dr. Frankenfurter. And, you’re just ambiguous enough (in everything, take your pick — sexuality, gender, morality) to deserve the mantle of cultiest of the classics.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):
Oh lord Cancer, here we go again. Our favorite crustacean of the Zodiac couldn’t be paired with any cult classic except “Mamma Mia.” We could easily see you falling for three separate people, not realizing you’ve trapped yourself in a love-rectangle that requires musical accompaniment to work through.
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):
Rich and successful business person by day, serial killer by night? Leos, “American Psycho,” is secretly the plot you’d live your life by. And we hate to buy into stereotypes, but it is the most flashy of the cult classics, just like you.
VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):
Virgo, if this was the late 1980s and you were in high school, you know people would be drawing disturbing connections between you and the “Heathers” group. It’s the matching laptop case, wallet and nails, probably. Just avoid getting murdered in a musical montage by any avenging boyfriends, and you’ll be good.
LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):
You remember that montage where Elle Woods is power walking on the treadmill and reading her law textbook? Yeah, that’s giving us major Libra vibes. Of course you guys clock in as the beloved “Legally Blonde.” What, like it’s hard?
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):
My lord, Scorpio. As one of the most self-important signs we know, we had to give you one of the most annoyingly self-important cultist films. If an unnecessarily mansplained reddit thread could be personified as a movie, that movie would be “The Room.” And that just feels right.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):
Sags, you are so fetch. Whether you align more with Regina George or Gretchen Wieners, it’s undeniable that, as the “Mean Girls” of the Zodiac, you should be paired with the cult classic of the same name. We know you have a Burn Book, bubs. Good luck with that.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):
Ah yes, the most classic cult film for the most classic sign. What starts out as a plot that could belong to any gangster movie at all, like you, Capricorns, “Pulp Fiction,” quickly reveals its layers. Don’t let the Tarentino dudebros know we’re praising the movie, though.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):
We don’t know why “Troll 2” comes up when searching “cult classic films,” but “Troll 1” doesn’t. That energy fits your vibe though, Aquarians. You’re too quirky for the first movie to shoot right to cult-classic fame. Nah, let’s make ‘em wait a little for the real deal.
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):
Idk, Pisces, we just think you’re cute funny little guys with a dark side, of course. Much like the witch trio in “Hocus Pocus,” you, too, give off the energy of potential immortality.