*Jumps off of platform and lands behind you*
Hello there. This April, it’s 4/20 all month. You’re probably feeling a little dank, no? The Kaimin is here to help you decide which meme, old or new, you are.
Don’t let your horoscopes be dreams, or something like that.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): VINES
“Hi, welcome to Chili’s.” At least, that’s what you could be saying if you could go back to work. Instead, you’re stuck at home with lipstick on your Valentino white bag and not enough money for chicken nuggets. And you can’t be expected to complete your homework. You’re 19 and you never fucking learned how to read.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):DOGE
coronavirus wow so deadly stuck @ home when go back? miss frndz mom & dad craz you worried send help 2020 stinks.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): THE FALLEN HEROES
We know self-quarantine has left you feeling dead, but you’ve got to get our ass out of bed. At least drag yourself to the keyboard, and press F to pay respect for these late icons: Tardar Sauce (a.k.a. Grumpy Cat), Stefán Karl Stefánsson (a.k.a. Robbie Rotten from “Lazy Town”) and Harambe (a.k.a. Our Lord and Savior).
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): BABY YODA
You’re waiting. Waiting with those longing eyes for someone to like that picture you posted of yourself and your dog living #QuarantineLife. You couldn’t have been the only one who thought it was funny, but also lowkey topical, right? Oh, it’s been 12 seconds. Better check the likes again.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP. 22): AREA 51
You WILL go on that jog today. It’s time to stop putting it off and be assertive, like the raiders of Area 51. Oh, wait. Only 150 people showed up to that. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to wait one more day...
LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22): FLEX TAPE
Phil Swift may be able to stop leaks fast, but he can’t seem to stop you from looking at that sixth package of Oreos. Your brain is thinking back to those first five you obliterated and saying, “That’s a lot of damage!” But your stomach’s protesting, “How ‘bout a little more?”
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): SMASH MOUTH
Somebody once told you COVID-19 would roll you, so you stored paper towels in your shed. But now Walmart’s out of stock. We bet you feel like cock, so ease off and don’t let the fear spread.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 22): TIKTOK
Hit or miss. I guess you never miss, huh? The whole multi-screen thing on Zoom has been great for socializing after class. Now you and your friends can finally get back to singing along to TikTok songs off-key...within 40 minutes of course.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23-JAN. 19): “FORTNITE”
With all of this free time, you can finally learn those sick dance moves the cool kids are doing. You’ll be a master at the floss, the Carlton and...wait. Did “Fortnite” steal your signature dance move of awkwardly pumping your arms up and down? They are SOOO getting sued!
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB.16): THIS IS FINE
That title Says it all. You’ve been trying out meditation and you’re getting more comfortable with your surroundings. The virus will pass. Just breathe and pretend you’re in a quiet, burning building. Hey! Did someone say “frog?” That’s your angry word!
PIECES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): “BEE MOVIE”
“Bee Movie,” but every time you check Netflix, there’s nothing good on, but every time you go to do homework, you remember your professor hasn’t assigned anything in weeks, but every time you try to read that Ben Franklin biography, you fall asleep, but...fuck! You’re so bored!
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): “STAR WARS’ PREQUELS”
It’s over, Aries. COVID-19 has the high ground, so you can’t leave your house and go to that party. I know you don’t like the virus because it’s course, rough and irritating (and it gets everywhere), but you underestimate its power. Don’t try it.