Welcome to the metaphorically wettest and literally the wildest college newspaper out there. We Griz are HUNGRY, but also horny <3. Our university is a liberal arts college after all, so obviously, we freaky as fuck, but also ~not fucking idiots.~ You can never be too educated y’all, and that’s why we have created a way for you to explore your sexuality and your star sign all in one convenient location.
VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):
It’s 5:58 pm. You don’t even need your alarm to know it’s time to take our lord and savior, the birth control pill. She’s always there for you, and even though she can’t protect you from STDs, you bet your ass you trust that potential 99% pregnancy prevention.
LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):
You’re searching for some goddamn peace in your life. Let’s be honest here (just like you) — sometimes you just need to bust a nut without the distraction of another person. Sex can wait, masturbate!
SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):
POV: You and your lover are enjoying a nice charcuterie board and the delicacy that is Bota Box wine. Mmmm, those notes of plastic bags and wet cardboard really get you guys in the mood, if you know what I’m saying. It’s so good, you don’t want the grape flavor to just stop at wine. Say hello to the flavored condom: Grape Edition.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 22):
You’re bold and hella smart. You want, nay, NEED power. That’s why you have the birth control implant in the upper arm. You want to choose when you have a baby, and for that, we give a chef’s kiss. On the other hand, though, God herself PERSONALLY ascended you to heaven, slapped your ass, and put you back down on Earth for deceiving her like that. Whoops.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23–JAN. 19):
You plan ahead because you like to live in the moment. Sometimes, you just find yourself in a sexy predicament and you don’t want to worry about whether or not you brought a condom. FEAR NOT! You spent last Monday morning with a speculum in your cooch and got yourself an IUD.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20–FEB. 18):
Listen, *CLAPS* it’s getting hot and heavy in your Miller dorm room and you and your boo are hurting-for-a-squirting. Suddenly, you find yourself in a dead sprint to the Curry Health condom wall on campus. Unfortunately, in your horny haze, you only grab a female condom. If used correctly, it’s 95% effective, and even though you are crazy, you use that shit right. Babies? Never heard of her.
PISCES (FEB. 19–MARCH 20):
Pisces, baby. Abstinence is cool. It’s hip. We don’t want to sound like your overly religious high school that pretends sex doesn’t exist until marriage and doesn’t educate thirsty teens on a basic and normal human activity. BUT! Not having sex for WHATEVER reason is totally legitimate and should ALWAYS be respected.
ARIES (MARCH 21–APRIL 19):
You like to live life on the edge, no one really knows what you’re gonna do. We’d like to say we can trust you, but that would be a lie — just like the pull-out method. Sure, it’s fun ... but can you really rely on it? Whatever you do, just make sure you’re doing your best to be safe, sweetie.
TAURUS (APRIL 20–MAY 20):
You’re a people pleaser. Not only that, though, you yourself also want to be pleased because HELLO. But life is also hard and everyone deserves a good time. That’s why you’re the morning-after pill. Again, might not be 100% bulletproof, but this world we live in isn’t Hogwarts and there is no “Fetus Deletus” spell.
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20):
As the kids like to say, “You swing both ways.” If you’re worried about getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, you have options. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. It’s college after all, and gay is OKAY.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22):
You’re strong and independent. You don’t like to be used. That’s why you’re the dental dam. Nobody ever uses them, but they still get manufactured goddammit!
LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, people use condoms. They’re the most popular way to keep them damn fetuses at bay. Congrats on being #1 baby.