panty pref

As an employee at Victoria’s Secret, I am — for all intents and purposes — a panty expert. That doesn’t sound super impressive if you don’t know the complex, labyrinthine universe that is women’s underwear. Were you aware that there are, like, 10+ different styles? To simplify, here is my easy guide to panties.


When you imagine underwear in your head, you’re probably visualizing hiphuggers. Back when your mom bought your underwear in bulk at Target? Those were hiphuggers.


Boyshorts cover about as much as volleyball spandex or shorts from the early 2000s. If you wear boyshorts, you’re a tomboy. You aren’t like other girls — you like playing video games and drinking beer. Just kidding, that’s some pick-me shit, and we all know it. If you wear boyshorts, it’s likely because you think they’re the most comfortable panty, and there’s not much more to it.


I’m gonna be real with you guys: cheekies suck. They’re never high-waisted, they’re virtually indistinguishable from hiphuggers (I’ve worked at Victoria’s Secret going on four years, and I still can’t eyeball the difference) and they go up your butt. If I wanted something up my butt, I’d get a thong. Speaking of —


One time when I was at work, a few giggling preteen boys came in after closing demanding to buy our “biggest thong.” Despite the middle-school mentality, wearing a thong does not make you a hussy or a sex goddess. It probably just means that you’re wearing leggings as pants, and you don’t like panty lines.


Dude, even I don’t get these things. It’s like a thong, but with a butt attached. Who does that flatter? How many squats am I expected to do before I look good in a bikini-style panty? Thank you, next.


Your genitals are free as a bird and for that, I envy you.