We’ve reached the existential point of the semester, and we’re all out here asking the big questions. Who are we? Why are we here? If we cry in front of our ethics professor, can we get an “incomplete” out of him? Most importantly, are we gonna make it out of this semester in one piece? Take our quiz and find out:
1: How would your professors describe you?
A. “My prized pupil.”
B. “She’s got these lifeless eyes ... Black eyes ... Like a doll’s eyes ...”
C. “I’ve never seen that man before in my life.”
2: You wake up at 10:45 a.m. for an 11 o’ clock class — what do you do?
A. Wake up at 10:45 a.m.? I’ve been up for hours.
B. Go to class late — always embarrassing but usually worth it.
C. Fuck it, ya girl is going back to bed.
3: How is your relationship with your adviser?
A. I’m on my way to babysit her kids right now.
B. She has not noticed me following her home yet.
C. She couldn’t pick me out of a police lineup.
4: What’s your favorite on-campus food?
A. *Sweating* Excuse me? Nobody told me this would be covered on the test.
B. Sometimes I seduce freshmen for a free swipe into the Food Zoo.
C. The food truck. What’s that, it closed? Over a year ago? Damn, I need to get to campus more often.
5: How would you best describe your homework philosophy?
A. My philosophy is badass and hardcore: No sleep till Brooklyn — if by “Brooklyn,” The Beastie Boys meant, “All my homework is done, I brushed my teeth and took my melatonin.”
B. I’ll get it done, but my mental health comes first.
C. There’s no research indicating any benefit to giving homework in elementary school, and I’m basically a 4th grader at heart, so …
6: Do you use your notes when you study?
A. Why else would I take them, moron?
B. I’m sorry, “notes?”
C. I’m sorry, “study?”
Mostly A’s: You’re in the clear! But you already knew that. Why did you even take the test? Because you love tests, and you have a compulsive need to ace them all. Don’t get too smug about it, Hermione. One man’s “teacher’s pet” is another Snape’s “insufferable know-it-all.”
Mostly B’s: Kick it into gear, like, today. Between stalking your advisor and banging 18-year-olds, you seem to have your own stuff going on. While these are worthy pursuits, don’t forget that you still have to graduate. Who knows, maybe your adviser will see your true worth post-bac and you two can bang freshmen together. (Disclaimer: Lily Soper’s advice does not reflect the views of the Montana Kaimin as a whole.)
Mostly C’s: See your adviser ASAP. What are you even doing here? You know that college costs money, right? Like, a lot of money? If you don’t want to go to college, that’s fine — it’s not for everybody. If you want that coveted communications degree, however, you need to talk with someone who knows how to pull you out of the hole you dug yourself into. Don’t give up entirely, though, all hope is not lost for you. Pro-tip moving forward: WF’s (withdraw-fails) don’t count against your GPA. If you see an F in your future, just cut that class loose like it’s your fuckboy ex and start fresh next semester.