blockbuster horoscope

Oh, movie theaters. We miss your stale buttered popcorn and soda scent. Yes, theaters are open again, but they’re just kind of weird now, like seeing an old lover hanging out with a less attractive version of yourself. So what if we stroll down money-makin’-movies-lane and compare ourselves to beloved movies, you know, for science. 


Ever the unique friend of the group, ya just stand out so much Aquarius. And what stands out more than R-rated blockbuster “Deadpool?” Let’s just hope you don’t suffer the same fate as Wade Wilson. You know—getting burned alive, gaining incredible regenerative abilities and having to wear a red suit 24/7, with the occasional crocs exception. 


Pisces, you’re so intuitive and intelligent. But sometimes you’re too smart and go over people’s heads, just like “Inception.” We know it’s high-brow and cool, but maybe tone it back with the dream-within-a-dream that’s having a dream. 


Competition and commitment—that’s what you do, Aries. So does Nicolas Cage, especially in “National Treasure.” He’s a trailblazer who committed so hard he stole the gosh darn Declaration of Independence! Definitely don’t do that. 


You have a certain affinity for blue people, Taurus. And no, not those tiny Smurfs, we’re talking about the Na’vi, the big blue stars of James Cameron’s “Avatar.” They are reliable, trustworthy and ambitious, like you, Taury. So go ahead and paint yourself blue from head to toe and find a Home Tree to protect. 


You’ve got some real “glass half-full” energy, Gem. And so did M. Night Shyamalan when he made “The Last Airbender.” But it made a lot of money, so it was good. Right? Right?!


How do you feel about water, Cancer? And pirates? And Johnny Depp? Because you’ve got “Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl” written all over you. We know you hate small talk, and so does Captain Jack Sparrow. Who wouldn’t want to drink rum and fight zombie pirates instead of chatting about the weather?   

LEO (JULY 23–AUG. 22):

You’re loud and obnoxious—in the best way—Leo. You know what blockbuster franchise is also loud and obnoxious? “The Fast and the Furious.” That’s right, you’re the equivalent of 40 reels worth of Vin Diesel grunting at the camera. 

VIRGO (AUG. 23–SEP. 22):

A sophisticated person can only fit with a sophisticated blockbuster, Virgo. And that simple math points in one direction: “Casino Royale.” That’s right, you get to be the suave, debonair Agent 007. But instead of a license to kill, you have a license to overwork yourself. 

LIBRA (SEP. 23–OCT. 22):

Libra, you have this uncanny ability to see all sides of an argument, but reserve judgement. That’s what we like to call fence-sitting. That’s exactly what Donny in “The Big Lebowski” did. Don’t be a Donny. 

SCORPIO (OCT. 23–NOV. 21):

We’re hard on you Scorpio, it’s true. But sometimes you deserve it. But you know who didn’t deserve their fate? Jack, when Rose just let the motherfucker freeze when she clearly had enough space on her floating door in “Titanic.” You’re Rose.   


If there’s a path, you sure as hell go off it, Sag. “Mad Max: Fury Road” is certainly an unconventional blockbuster, and most certainly your spirit film. But do be warned: Huffing silver spray paint and screaming about going to Valhalla is not considered niche or cool. 


Capricorn, why are you always so pessimistic? It’s very Thanos of you. But if you do get a magical gauntlet with the ability to alter the very fabric of the universe, don’t start snapping those fingers.