Caught in the Act: The penis and the (pill) popper

by Willi Brooks | March 12, 2010 | Montana Kaimin

Editor’s note: Kaelyn Kelly and Willi Brooks take turns writing this column, which is published on Fridays. This is Willi’s week to write.

You’ve probably seen the commercials with Bob.

You know Bob, he’s the guy who had the issue with his penis just not doing the trick for his lady friend. But he’s currently living large because Bob made a call to Enzyte, the miracle drug that supposedly increased the size and width of his dick “naturally.” Bob is now driving NASCAR, throwing pool parties and even getting his friends to try out his newfound godsend (the pills, not his penis). 

However, Enzyte isn’t even a drug, it’s a “tablet,” and it’s not the only thing on the market that allegedly has the ability to increase the size of penises everywhere. There’s also Extense, Prosolution, Vimax and VigRx Plus. And the list goes on and on. 

As long (ha, long) as I’ve been sexually active, the idea of needing a massive dick has been drilled into my head. I’ve never thought of my penis as being small, but when every other commercial on television seems to be about enlarging the male prostate, most guys (including me) question if they could be bigger. But do these “prescriptions” actually work?

I began to search for answers and was even ready to take on the never-ending delivery of the tablet straight to my door, but not without doing some research.

In order to pass FDA regulation, a drug must solve a problem, which means there must be an actual problem to begin with. So who decides if there really is a problem? In most cases, it’s the same company that’s trying to sell the drug. 

Seeing as we’re a sexually-obsessed country, the drug … excuse me … “tablet” companies got off easy this time. Many men already think they’re inadequate in the bedroom, so the drug companies’ dirty work was already done.

Web sites for the tablets say the pills are a blend of herbs like ginseng, something called yohimbe, and horny goat weed. 

Interested in what those things could do for my penis, I walked over to the School of Pharmacy and met with the director of UM’s Drug Information Service, Sherrill Brown, for some answers.

After researching Enzyte, Brown found that no clinical studies had been conducted to evaluate the safety and efficacy of Enzyte and that even though some of the ingredients may be effective for treating erectile dysfunction, the size of the doses in Enzyte may not be enough to actually produce any results. 

I’m going all in on this to say that these “drugs” don’t work. Yeah, they might be a watered-down version of Viagra, but they’re not going to grow your penis. In fact, on the very bottom of Enzyte’s Web page, it states, “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Individual results may vary. The individuals shown are paid models, and not necessarily Enzyte customers.”

In a way it makes sense. If this shit actually worked, every guy in the United States would be walking around with a dick the size of the Statue of Liberty. 

But if you’re really hell-bent on growing your penis like a batch of sea monkeys, you can get surgery. It involves cutting ligaments or taking fat from somewhere else in your body and placing it in your dick to “bulk it up.” 

Yes, weird, I know.

What’s most important is that you probably have an average-size penis. So the next time Bob tries to come over and do his neighborly thing, remember that you could spend your money on more important things, like condoms or lube.

Willi Brooks is a senior studying broadcast journalism.

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