Opinion
Big ups and Backhands
Montana Kaimin
Well, well, here we are folks. The last Big Ups & Backhands of the semester. Take a deep breath, turn down your iPod and put the phone on airplane mode, we need you to focus here. This has got to get you through your whole summer, so savor it …
For starters, a Backhand to the sultry-looking sexologist next to me on this page for suggesting it’s somehow shocking that most people she polled would rather give up oral sex than cheese. Cheese is delicious and readily available — two distinct advantages in this particular competition. If Albertsons starts carrying blowjobs, we’ll reconsider, but until then, it’s all about that chedda.
Bess Sex: Cheese or oral sex?
Bess Davis
Last semester, an interesting debate circulated through the Kaimin office. If you could only keep one of these things, in all of its forms, for the rest of your life, which would you choose: cheese or oral sex?
This is a no-brainer, right? Oral sex, hands down. Wrong. It turns out my answer is in the vast minority when it comes to this question.
I’ll throw it out there right now that I happen to be vegan and have already given up cheese for other reasons, but I don’t base my answer to this question on that fact. I mean, why would you ever give up oral sex, for anything?
Editorial: Issuing a challenge: consider a different ‘cool’
Trevon Milliard | April 30, 2009
In high school, no one would even admit to owning a Frisbee, or worse, playing folf.
However, my first semester at The University of Montana came with some surprising changes. Peer attitudes towards the definition of “cool” completely changed at college. The easiest way to get laughed out of class at home – riding long boards, walking slack lines, and playing ultimate Frisbee – was now the “in” thing to do. I always wondered, why is that?
Droppin' the 'Baum: on the end of ink
Alex Tenenbaum | April 30, 2009
Today, The University of Montana can declare victory over me. This is my final column. And, because I’m an idiot and signed up for the wrong class back in December and didn’t realize it until yesterday, this fine institution will, relieved of my opinions, continue to take my money. Don’t worry – I didn’t need that $2,300 anyway (For three credits? Really? Are you building a toilet out of gold?).
But this is the end. Somehow, I managed to complain every single week that I hadn’t a single idea for my own personal, write-whatever-you-want column. It was true. That’s why I wrote incoherent blatherings on the Federal Reserve Bank (old guys playing with money in ways no one understands), media bias (yay, complicated statistics) and gun laws (since there’s just sooo many new arguments there). If you remember any of them, I am sorry.
Stopping and smelling the bars and buses
Mike Gerrity | April 29
I woke up today with the lights on and the window open. I waded through a sea of dirty clothes on the way to the bathroom of my big, empty flat, struggling to see clearly through the gooey contacts I’d slept in the night before.
None of my roommates had come back from their trips abroad yet. Some of them went to Switzerland and Italy. Another was somewhere else in the U.K. with his family. One from upstairs had tried to go to Ireland, but was sent back after she hesitated too long while being questioned at the border.
Most of them would be back tonight, but with an empty flat, no classes and nothing of merit to accomplish for the day, I opted to get outside and start walking.
I ran into a friend perched on the stoop outside, staring into the Meadows with a cigarette burning between his fingers. After listening to him painfully recall his story about spending the night on a beach in Italy during a rainstorm, I pressed onward to Waverly Bridge where I could fill up my bus pass for just one more month before I return home.
Hear my last request ...
Lauren Russell | April 29
Before The University of Montana gives me the boot on May 16 and I have to leave the oasis of Missoula for new pastures, I would like to petition the administration for just one thing: a day free of construction noise.
In a recent daydream, I envisioned what May 8, the last day of classes, would be like if the cranes, bulldozers and welders were turned off just for one day. The Oval would be teeming with students studying for finals in the sunshine or relaxing before the most stressful week of the year — without the ever-present backdrop of construction. Remember, it’s a daydream.
It seems that for most of my student tenure UM has been in the midst of one construction project or another, including steam tunnel construction, the Washington-Grizzly Stadium expansion and the creation of Don Anderson Hall. Currently, UM is building the new Phyllis J. Washington Education Center, the School of Law is getting a facelift and the skeleton of the Native American Center is emerging on the lower quadrant of the Oval.
Bacon: the next interactive level
Kelsey Bernius | April 28, 2009
I heart bacon. Nothing lures me out of a deep weekend slumber better than the sweet harmonious sounds of sizzling pig lard and the salty, cholesterol- and nitrate-packed protein.
And thanks to our networking-centric generation, the hangover staple for millions can not only fill my stomach and pleasure my taste buds, but also help me reach my maximum social networking potential by reaching out and communicating with people that share my porcine interest.
Will my Facebook get wrinkles as I get older?
Bill Oram | April 28, 2009
I’ve accepted that there are things I’m just going to have to give up when I graduate in 18 days.
Some are obvious: setting my alarm so I can get up in time to drink before Griz games, filling out half of the Kaimin crossword during class and playing Scrabble online 10 hours a day — at work.
Others are less so. Can I still wear my tattered Griz T-shirt that I bought at orientation? Is whiskey on Sundays a sign of alcoholism or a classy tribute to Jesus? And Facebook.
What to do with that loyal mistress who eats at me daily. On one hand, the social networking Web site could be a valuable tool as I embark on a career in which networking is key.
On the other, it’s so lame.
Big Ups and Backhands
Sorry folks, but a somber start is in order for this week’s edition of Big Ups and Backhands. We lost one of our most devoted readers Tuesday. Maybe he wasn’t exactly “literate,” but he always said this was his favorite half a page to stare at. You’ll be missed, Dan the Hound.
For starters, a big ol’ Backhand to all the people who came out of the woodwork to celebrate Hitler’s birthday Monday on the Oval. While we’re not sure what the exact connection between megalomaniac madmen, bare feet and funny-smelling smoke is, we’re pretty sure it’s in bad taste.
Bess Sex: How to handle a long-distance relationship
Bess Davis | April 24, 2009
Summer is approaching, everybody. That means that sweet thang you’ve been kicking your roommate to the curb for all semester is going back home or off to an internship. You’re probably doing the same thing too, except on the other side of the country.
Now is the time we all start thinking, “What next?” Do we break up because we can’t handle the separation? Do we take a break — also known as “I want to sleep with other people without you getting mad at me”? Or do we stick it out and try a long-distance relationship for the next three months?.
Droppin' the 'Baum on tolerance
Alex Tenenbaum | April 23, 2009
When I was living in the dorms, I made good friends with a Native American student who was easily twice my height and triple my weight. He had tattoos on his legs and spoke so little you’d think it was a tough-guy act. But he turned out to be incredibly gentle and brilliant. I liked him immediately.
We got pretty close, and one night, he went out on a limb and told me he was gay. It was a surprise, for sure, but I was honest when I said it didn’t change how I thought or felt about him. He knew I was a Christian, and even though the label tends to spell self-righteous judgment, he took the risk.
The revelation gave us a lot to talk about. Well, mostly he talked, and I listened for a change. He grew up going to church and ended up facing a lot of disapproval.
Park’s cell phone plan raises safety questions for backcountry hikers
Virginia J. Cleaveland | April 23, 2009
There are times when the government acts in the interest of its citizens, and there are times when its actions are an insulting parent-like slap on the wrist.
The wireless communications plan approved for Yellowstone National Park is a prime example of the government acting like a parent, reprimanding us for impolite behavior.
The plan prohibits wireless Internet in historic buildings and limits cell phone coverage throughout the park. It calls for the relocation of three communication towers, including one near Old Faithful, to less-obtrusive sites.
It’s like being in middle school, when your parents wouldn’t let you browse certain Web sites or talk to your best friend on the phone past 8 p.m. But now, you can’t even use your cell phone or the Internet (in your own hotel room) in many places in the park.
The American stereotype thrives in France
Mike Gerrity | April 22
“What do Americans really think of the French?” Wesley asked me, as he rolled a smooth plume of cigar smoke through his lips.
I had only been in Amiens for about two nights, but somehow I had ended up at a party filled with French students at Wesley’s second-story flat. It was his birthday, and at least two dozen kids turned up with a full spread of meat, cheese, French wine and beer while pizzas poured endlessly out of the oven downstairs.
For a while, I felt like the stereotypical foreign kid at the party whom everyone wants to talk to. Whether I was a glamorous English celebrity or an American sideshow freak, it didn’t really matter. I was glad that I wouldn’t have to hang out in the corner trying to decipher everyone’s conversation.
Are computers the best teaching tool for Makimba?
Trevon Milliard | April 22
Almost everyone has seen those tear-jerking commercials that begin something like this: An older, white guy stands in an impoverished village with starving Somalian children in the background. He walks towards the camera in his cargo shorts, all the while describing in a smooth baritone voice the famine these children endure. Then, by coincidence, a cute, little boy named Makimba jumps into the man’s arms. The commercial ends with Makimba’s face filling the television screen and the man guilting you into forking over a buck a month.
“If Makimba here were your son, could you tell him he won’t be eating today? Could you say to Makimba, ‘One dollar a month is too much.’ Pick up the phone and call 1-800-MAKIMBA today. Tomorrow will be too late.”
I always questioned the validity of these commercials. And I think many other people do, too. The scene is artificial; it’s an act, even though the reality is anything but. Plus, no one likes being coerced into doing something, being told that they have to “save the children.” Failure to pick up the phone means Makimba’s blood is on your hands.
There’s a new GOP kid in town
Kelsey Bernius | April 21, 2009
There is an awful lot of truth in the idea that the media and society hook onto the wackos and ignore the core message of political parties and ideas that we may not agree with. A perfect example was last Wednesday’s “tea party” demonstration against so-called “outlandish” federal spending.
Our little ol’ liberal oasis of a town joined hundreds of other cities across the country for a tax-day tea party – a public demonstration that, in principle, protested the recent federal spending. A crowd of impressive size congregated outside the post office equipped with signs, costumes, loudspeakers and a double dose of anger.
Some credit is certainly due to the newly formed grassroots organization, Just Citizens, for organizing the local tea party. Founder and former UM College Republicans president Steve Dogiakos received no national funding for the protest.
Democrats sell out on assault weapons ban
Lauren Russell | April 21, 2009
Nothing conjures up the image of the idyllic, free-spirited West more than a cowboy riding off into the sunset with an AK-47 strapped to his back.
Or so one might think after reading a response by Montana Senators Jon Tester and Max Baucus to a possible reinstatement of the ban on semi-automatic assault weapons: Guns in the West are heritage, “a sacred part of being a Montanan and something that we will always fight to protect.”
Tester went on to say in an Associated Press article, “It’s about living up to what is in the Constitution…It would be the same thing if the government came out and limited our right to assemble.”
