Big Ups & Backhands

Hey, we can’t talk long. BU&Bh has to crank this out so we can get over to the Wilma for the new high-def snowboard flick “That’s It, That’s All.” I bet that our violent faceplants on flat ice would look pretty damn majestic in HD, too.

Backhands to Sen. John McCain for throwing the second presidential debate to Sen. Barack Obama. Way to win over the young voters by pacing around the room like you’re lecturing your kid about pot.

Big Ups to Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart, who announced Wednesday in a news conference that he is stopping all evictions of people living in foreclosed properties in his county. Maybe when he’s done with his Robin Hood crusade against evil landlords, he can serve us some justice by getting our rental agency to send someone to fix the damned sink at our house.

Backhands to Skylar Deleon, who once appeared in minor roles in the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers TV series. Deleon may get the death penalty for tying a wealthy couple to the anchor of their yacht and throwing them overboard — alive. We bet Zordon would have been cool with boatjacking, but killing elderly folk is definitely a bit too TV-14.

Big Ups to Great Falls because it may soon control all the nuclear weapons in the United States. A suggestion was made by both Montana Senators to the U.S. Air Force recently to make Malmstrom Air Force Base the country’s sole nuclear command center.

Backhands to the American public, which has apparently turned to cutting coupons to curb the impact of the failing economy. Big box retailers reported a 14 percent increase in couponing over the last two weeks. What a way to cope with a crisis, by cashing in on two-for-one cans of refried beans. We would rather see the public loot Niketown again, because nothing says solidarity like free sneakers.

Big Ups to the stock market for falling below 8,600 points and bringing us one step closer to economic equilibrium. Come on, how funny would it be to see a guy with a Masters degree in business cooking you french fries at Burger King at 2:00 a.m.?

We’re off to watch decent people snowboard, as we imagine Sigourney Weaver narrate us breaking our leg on a rainbow rail in a seductive tone later this season.