Big Ups and Backhands

Welcome to Big Ups and Backhands, where we definitely thought spring break was last week.

This week, the archbishop in charge of sins and penance for the Vatican released a list of modern-day sins. On it was pollution. Big Ups to the Vatican for realizing that, unlike Elton John concerts, we only have one earth, and once we screw it up, we won’t get a do-over.

Backhands to those who forced Eliot Spitzer to resign as governor of New York. We believe that Spitzer, who as the state’s attorney general for eight years cracked down on prostitution rings, simply was going undercover – using the clever guise of Client 9 – to root out members of that (w)horrible profession. Keep on truckin’ E-Spitz, we still believe in you!

In addition to causing Spitzer to have arguably the worst week of his life, the watchdoggy New York Times earns Big Ups for reporting on one of Montana’s great institutions: the proxy marriage. Yes, it’s true. In the Treasure State, neither member needs to be present to trade nuptials. You may kiss the bride … next time you see her.

If you thought former Montana Sen. Conrad “knee-walkin’ drunk” Burns knew how to stick his foot in his mouth, then you’ll surely want to Backhand Republican Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern. At a January fundraiser, the offensive Okie orator said the gay community is “deadly and it’s spreading,” and that it’s a threat to national security, “even more so than terrorism or Islam.” Ms. Kern, so you don’t leave anyone out, next time please enlighten us with your views on Mexicans.

The University of Montana women’s basketball team deserves Big Ups for winning the regular season Big Sky Conference championship and getting to host the tournament this weekend. For those of you who aren’t busy – this means you, men’s basketball team – go check out the action.

We’re not entirely sure how this works, never having had a twisted testicle or anything, but we’re pretty sure that Chicago Cubs center fielder Felix Pie (pronounced pee-ay) is in a lot of pain. Backhands to testicular torsion – twisted testicle on the street – like the one the Dominican had surgically repaired Tuesday. We’ll stick to Twisted Tea, thanks.

BU&Bh has never been a huge believer in technology, and in that vein, the fact that UM students can now download lectures on iTunes earns iBackhands. Garon Smith’s lectures are entertaining, but not when they come up on shuffle while you’re getting down with your significant other.

Big Ups to the organizers of Hunger Awareness Week events on campus. The free food yesterday was great, thanks. BU&Bh skipped our daily oatmeal breakfast, so it was appreciated. But, um, how exactly did that help starving children in Africa?

You know those times you wish you could just have a weekend to yourself? Adriana Torres-Flores has no idea what that’s like. Backhands to the Washington County (Ark.) courthouse bailiff who accidentally left the illegal Mexican immigrant locked in a holding cell all weekend without food or water after she appeared before a judge to plead not guilty to pirating music.

Another week gone. Come back next Friday, and we’ll do our part to make the world a little more gay, and a little less Oklahoman.