Big ups and Backhands

If BU&BH had a nickel for every time a Republican won a local, state or national race this year, we’d be out on our asses, like much of downtown Missoula was Tuesday night. Except most of those asses were drunk.

Big Ups to Missoula citizens who, like responsible Americans, took to the streets upon hearing the news of Obama’s victory, got ridiculously trashed and marched downtown singing “Ding! Dong! The Witch is Dead!” We’re sure you guys were practicing that for weeks, but the sloshed slurring was pretty apparent.

Backhands to Cardinal Roger Mahoney who, after California’s Proposition 8 passed banning gay marriage in the state, said the proposition “is not against any group in our society.” (Were you looking for a joke? You just missed it.)

Big Ups to President Bush for assuring the American people that the transition of power to Barack Obama during wartime will be “a priority for the rest of my presidency.” We couldn’t agree more, Mr. Bush. It is also a priority for us that you get the hell out of there as fast as you possibly can.

Backhands to President-elect Barack Obama and his precious puppy he’s bringing with him to the White House. To hell with a puppy. It’s 2008; go for something new. We’re just saying…Calvin Coolidge had a bear. Given the times right now, we’d say a bear in the White House is the only thing that can lift the nation’s spirits.

Big Ups to CNN and the new “hologram” technology it unveiled in its election night coverage. We have to deal with cancer, AIDS and an economy that’s going down faster than one of Clinton’s interns and CNN is shelling out cash to pretend like you’re in Star Wars. It must take serious balls to justify pissing away money like that at a time like this.

In defiance of the rigid structure that has carried this column this year, we’re giving a half-handed Big Ups to a bar in Akron, Ohio, that gave away free drinks to its patrons for every state that Barack Obama won on election night. (That’s more than 25 drinks per person.) Big Ups to the free booze. Backhands to the guy who shot the bouncer when too many people showed up. The bouncer’s fine, by the way.

BU&BH has a feeling something’s up. We just got a text message from one of our GOP friends telling us to meet him in a black van in the parking lot so he can take us to vote.