Big ups and Backhands

Have you got a mystery that needs solving? BU&Bh is opening up its own personal private investigation service. Drop us a line. We’ll find your car keys, wiretap your roommates and stalk your ex-girlfriend at the grocery store.

Big Ups to the study that proves that speed-daters judge their partners almost solely based on physical appearance. At least from now on BU&Bh doesn’t have to listen to living Barbie dolls talk about how awesome being a communications major is. Screw your major and screw your stupid faces. We’re going home and playing Grand Theft Auto 4. 

Backhands to moldy pumpkins. It’s halfway through November and we’re starting to worry the mold will kill us before the semester is out. Plus, the face carved in the pumpkin is starting to look like grandpa.

Big Ups to the Supreme Court for siding with the U.S. Navy and allowing them to hold sonar training exercises off the California coast, which environmentalists say could harm whales and dolphins. Better yet, let the Navy come ashore and hold death metal training exercises at jam band concerts in Missoula and hit the hippies where it really hurts.

Backhands to the recent study asserting that raising taxes on booze prevents alcohol-related deaths. Sure it will save a few lives, but BU&Bh must ask, is a life less drunk really worth living? We feel that the poor and sober would envy the wealthy and dead.

Big Ups to Big Mike, an inmate in Toronto, Canada, who was granted early parole because the prison could not accommodate his 430-pound frame. Way to work the system by working your huge ass, Big Mike.

Backhands to the Dutchies, who will not publicly release the names of two men charged with deliberately injecting HIV-infected needles into several people at a sex party. And we thought the guy who puked in our kitchen was a rude party guest.

Big Ups to blood drives. It’s the least expensive way to get a buzz without sniffing glue. And, you get free cookie.

Remember, write the BU&Bh mystery team! We guarantee we’ll find out who that deceitful tramp is hanging around with. It’s probably that creepy guy who works at Albertson’s. That homewrecker! If we find him, we’re going to leave a jack-o-lantern on his doorstep with a knife stuck in it attached to a note that says “YOU.”