Big Ups & Backhands

Welcome to Big Ups and Backhands, where we just hope that this week’s edition makes it into the newspaper.

Last Friday marked a dark day in the history of the Kaimin. If page 2 looked familiar, it’s because the Sept. 26 page was so nice we ran it twice – or at least that’s how we justified it in hindsight. Since the faux pas, the Backhands against us have piled up, and we’ve shamefully accepted them. 

If you didn’t give up on us entirely after that misstep, you surely read about birth control being a hot-button issue on campus this week. And since students in Maine get the pill (and other contraceptives) for free, you should be angry. Portland education officials decided this week to give out all kinds of contraception to middle school students. Do kids just skip first, second and third bases these days? When BU&Bh was in middle school the only time anyone scored was in kickball. For the sake of debate, we’ll let you decide if this gets Big Ups or Backhands.

Send your responses to bigupsandbackhands@gmail.com . The best submissions will be posted in this space next week.

We might as well get all of the sports references out of the way early. In last week’s edition of BU&Bh – which you didn’t see – we predicted a Rockies and Indians World Series. If the Indians can win once more, we’re looking Big Ups.

On a completely unrelated side note, BU&Bh will be out of the office next week on a “business” trip to Vegas.

BU&Bh’s favorite Idahoan – Sen. Larry “I swear, I was just dancing” Craig – was back in the news this week when he was inducted into the state’s Hall of Fame. This gets Backhands, unless his plaque reads: “A senator who cared about his fellow man – and thought women were nice, too.”

Oh my God, Mitzie, Frenchtown High is like, so 1997. We can’t take our cell phones to class? Oh my God, how else will we find out in the middle of chem that Tosha and Ben – oh my God he’s such a stud – broke up, but then got back together at lunch? BU&Bh’s take: Yawn. Oh, you wanted a definitive opinion? OK. Big Ups to world peace. 

Now for a little local – if somewhat disgusting – flavor. Backhands to Michael Richotte, an 18-year-old employee of a Burger King in Helena. We’ve all heard stories about the nasty stuff people do to your food at fast food joints, but it’s just stupid to put pubic hairs on a burger that’s being served to a sheriff’s deputy.

Move aside Lorena Bobbitt, there is a new star on the Magical Dismembering Men Mystery Tour. An elderly Turkish man shot a guy he believed was boffing his wife. Then, taking the whole thing one step further, he hacked off the offending organ (penis). No more Big Ups for the deceased.

BU&Bh will sit for the next week with our legs crossed.