Big Ups & Backhands

BU&Bh is just starting to get over the first week jitters, including lack of sleep, too much coffee, and way too much $5 Little Ceasars Hot N’ Readys. Our only saving grace is that, like most of you, we are not alone. And yet we are … so, so alone…

Big Ups to the Liberal Arts building and the Urey Lecture Hall for being a good place to hit on freshmen. Never mind that you’re well into your third year of college. “Wanna come home with me and play ultimate frisbee?”

Backhands to Residence Life for telling some 94 freshmen they might be living in interim housing for the rest of the semester. Our study halls should not be refugee camps. They should be dependable no-man lands where you can tactfully dump your first-week hook-ups with respect, and without waking up your roommate.

Backhands to whomever came up with the idiotic idea to cut down trees and replace them with new ones to promote conformity. Isn’t it bad enough that all the students want to conform to one another? Now we’re going to force all the trees to wear sandblasted jeans and strips of died hair in front of half of their faces?

Big Ups to the transient in downtown Missoula brandishing the sign “Barack Obama isn’t the only one who wants change.” You sir, deserve as much beer as food stamps can buy.

Backhands to the lack of bike racks on campus. Bikers should unite and siphon gas from every car in the Adams Center parking lot to burn stuff down in protest.

Big Ups to Levi Johnston for impregnating the new Vice Presidential hopeful’s daughter. And while we’re at it, a Big Ups to Sarah Palin’s continued support of abstinence-based education.

Backhands to firefighters for not taking advantage of their extensions. Some of us would have to set fire to a phonebook with a book of matches on a grassy hill for the same opportunity.

Backhands to Vladimir Putin for tranquilizing a five-year-old tiger. We’ve all had rough second weeks this semester and wish Vlad would tranq us.

Big Ups to those folks who called 1-800-STAMP-24 to order duck stamps, but due to a government error, called 1-800-TRAMP-24, and got a phone-sex hotline. Maybe they’ll get a tramp stamp.

Lastly, a Backhand and a crippling Pyroblast to one of John McCain’s advisers who recently referred to Dungeons & Dragons players as a “desperate group of people trying to make something out of nothing.” Sounds to us just like a bunch of GOP Bush flunkies trying to find WMD’s in Iraq.

That’s all for BU&Bh. We’re going to crawl back to our mothers’
basements with our 12-sided die.