Droppin’ the ‘Baum... On raising awareness

Whatever it is you think I’m unaware of, you’re right. I desperately need awareness, and I need you to raise it for me.  In fact, I am unaware of anything more important than your raising my awareness.  Right now, campus is crawling with thousands of “unawares” just like me.  You have to reach them.  It’s your duty. Now, go little monkey! Go!
For those of you still reading, maybe you’ll appreciate this.

Whatever it is you think I’m unaware of, you’re right. I desperately need awareness, and I need you to raise it for me.  In fact, I am unaware of anything more important than your raising my awareness.  Right now, campus is crawling with thousands of “unawares” just like me.  You have to reach them.  It’s your duty. Now, go little monkey! Go!
For those of you still reading, maybe you’ll appreciate this.
What is that doofus actually doing when he “raises awareness?” I can make two guarantees about the guy who can utter this phrase with a straight face. One, he’s upset, perhaps even cranky, about some minor problem we don’t know about because we’re not actually affected. Two, he’s not even close to a solution. If he were, he’d spend his time on that rather than flouncing about with a clipboard, a pen, and a cocked head of confusion that squawks, “Hi, I’m Brian and I’m raising awareness today.” Usually, the awkward, trying-too-hard-to-be-friendly smile tells you what’s coming eons before all those difficult words dribble from his brain to his beak. 
But look on the bright side. While his raising awareness isn’t accomplishing anything, at least it keeps him from botching other people’s contributions to society.
I know some student groups really get into the excitement of “raising awareness” about themselves so more people will join their fight against Irritable Bowel Syndrome or whatever.  Sometimes the awareness isn’t supposed to be about the group at all, but about Irritable Bowel Syndrome itself. In either case, if the group is successful, I’ll soon be fully aware of people’s fecal frustrations. Great.
I know there’s no group against IBS, but if there were, its members would probably raise awareness until screams of agony in public restrooms became socially acceptable. Then people would start pretending to have IBS to garner sympathy and popularity, wearing their feigned discomfort like a badge of honor. The formerly common pleas for courtesy flushes would be disregarded as insensitive, even bigoted, and presidential candidates overheard cheering on IBS sufferers would immediately gain percentage points in the polls. Pooping pains would become political capital, not something to sweep under the rug. 
And after all of that, Students Against Irritable Bowel Syndrome would still be short of a solution. And maybe that’s the point. If someone accidentally stumbled upon one, their purpose for congregating would be gone, and they would disband. The president of the group would lose his gig and spend the next 20 years bolting upright bed, fevered sweat pouring over his brow, as he agonized over how he could have kept the solution under wraps.  Some of the SAIBS would never move on. They’d call each other to reminisce about the good old days of sensitive colons and howling caterwauls from bathroom stalls.  They would remark at how the new generation could be so unaware, even after all of the awareness they had raised.
And maybe then they’d realize that raising awareness is useless.  It’s something for student groups to do just so they feel like they’re doing something. As a primary goal, it’s nice because it’s immeasurable. You’ll never know whether you’ve raised enough, and in the absence of ideas for a useful group activity, you can always dupe your members into raising more.
The next time some misinformed simpleton approaches you to raise your awareness, tell him thanks, but you’re already aware.  Then just walk away.  Maybe it’ll raise his awareness to the real meaning of raising awareness, and he’ll stop taking orders from student leaders who are long on assumptions about public awareness and desperately short on creativity.

A NOTE TO ALL IBS SUFFERERS: Try some Imodium. I hear it helps. Oh, and you’re welcome for raising awareness of sensitive colons.