October 31, 2007
Giant octopus sticks pumpkin on Main Hall
Beast believed linked to recent fish-stick caper; Missoula area now on alert
In the face of imminent danger, brave sophomore Kenna V. Balgruv still managed to snap this image on her cellular phone, before having to flee from the slimy, squelching beast.
Story by Randy Rainer
Weekly World Kaimin
A University of Montana Halloween tradition was continued last week when a 30-foot octopus scaled Main Hall and impaled a pumpkin on the clock tower’s spire.
According to an eyewitness report, the giant cephalopod appeared on the Oval from the Skaggs Building area at 2:37 a.m. Thursday, climbed the clock tower with gourd in tentacle, then disappeared in the direction of the Adams Center.
“At first, all I heard was this weird squelching sound, like when you walk around the house in wet socks,” said UM sophomore Kenna V. Balgruv. “When I saw the thing crawling past the honors college, I totally freaked out. Almost dropped my joi … I mean, cigarette.”
Balgruv managed to snap a grainy photo of the creature on her cell phone before retreating to the Liberal Arts building. By the time campus safety had been alerted, the octopus had escaped into the night.
Local peace officials said they scoured the Clark Fork River all weekend searching for clues, but it appears the octopus fled up the Blackfoot River.
“It could be anywhere by now,” said campus safety officer Ben K. Glunvrava. “The trail runs cold at Johnsrud Park. Honestly, we have no leads.”
One UM student was particularly incensed by the incident. “Rag,” who asked the Weekly World Kaimin not use his real name, has been responsible for placing the pumpkin on Main Hall for the past two years. He had planned to execute the tricky climb after his Introduction to Multi-media class Wednesday evening, but was held up due to food poisoning.
“It really sucks, cause I’d rented all the equipment from the rec center and everything,” Rag said. “Kinda ironic, though. I got the food poisoning at dollar sushi night.”
Peace officials encourage anyone who sights the octopus to call local authorities immediately. The fine for pumpkin-placing on Main Hall is $1,200, and campus safety suspects the octopus may be linked to several unsolved crimes this semester.
“The Food Zoo had three tons of fish sticks go missing in September,” Glunvrava said. “This time, thanks to the photo, I think we caught him red-tentacled.”
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This year, Halloween marks not only that oh-so-favorite time of year when Goth becomes normal and adults scare the bejeezes out of small children guilt-free, but the near two-month anniversary of the death of a media legend. For those of you who haven’t been paying much attention in the Albertson’s checkout line, America’s beloved Weekly World News ceased publishing after its last issue on Aug. 27. So, to celebrate the legacy of a 28-year-old tabloid, the Montana Kaimin has put together the sensational … the earth shaking … the memorial Weekly World Kaimin. Please bear in mind, as you browse these stories and photos during that snorey class in Urey Lecture Hall, that everything printed in the Weekly World Kaimin is fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. The advertisements are real, but the news … well, we wish the news were real. Thank you.
