October 31, 2007
Man falls for campus squirrel
One of the Weekly World Kaimin's staff paparazzi sneaked up close to catch this tender moment between a man and his squirrel Tuesday afternoon on the Oval.
Story by Horatio Hamms
Weekly World Kaimin
A nutty story emerged on the University of Montana campus this week.
Filbert A. Corn, a zoology graduate student, announced in a memo he posted on campus trees that he has fallen for the charms of a squirrel he claims is named “Allison.”
Corn, a Nebraska native, has been spotted around campus in recent days serenading “Allison,” gazing at her lovingly on the Oval, and even buying her nuts and, oddly, tampons in the UC Market.
“This guy is seriously nuts-o,” said Cole Gate, a Market employee. “The first time we thought it was a gag or something, but he kept coming back. Apparently his squirrel-friend really wanted his nuts.”
Allison was unavailable for comment, but the husky Corn – he is 6-foot-2 and 234 pounds – was quick to defend his love.
“I don’t care if people don’t understand. They’ve shouted things at me. But, I love Allison. She’s as sweet as candy,” Corn said.
The two have not had sexual intercourse, Corn said.
“Only heavy petting,” he insisted.
Besides that, Corn says Allison is an entertaining conversationalist.
According the Weekly World Kaimin’s research, no other human has ever actually heard squirrels speak; yet everything Allison says is music to the ears of Corn, he said.
Public safety officials say they have been contacted about inappropriate behavior on campus between Allison and Corn, but say there is little they can do.
“Basically, the same rules apply to boy and squirrel as to boy and girl,” said Sgt. Lester Reen. “Until the guy breaks the law or something is reported to SARC (the Squirrel Assault Resource Center), he’s not doing anything wrong. Personally though, the guy is sick. He’s always just lusting after that damn squirrel.”
Corn maintained he is not a stalker.
“If lovin’ is a crime, then baby I’m a felon,” he said, adding that he and Allison are planning a February wedding in San Francisco.
Yet, some on campus are weary of the precedent Corn and Allison’s nuptials could set.
“God teaches us that marriage is between a man and a woman, not a man and a rodent,” said student Oral B., who requested his last name not be used. “If you let dudes marry squirrels, what’s next?”
This story has been viewed 343 times.
This year, Halloween marks not only that oh-so-favorite time of year when Goth becomes normal and adults scare the bejeezes out of small children guilt-free, but the near two-month anniversary of the death of a media legend. For those of you who haven’t been paying much attention in the Albertson’s checkout line, America’s beloved Weekly World News ceased publishing after its last issue on Aug. 27. So, to celebrate the legacy of a 28-year-old tabloid, the Montana Kaimin has put together the sensational … the earth shaking … the memorial Weekly World Kaimin. Please bear in mind, as you browse these stories and photos during that snorey class in Urey Lecture Hall, that everything printed in the Weekly World Kaimin is fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. The advertisements are real, but the news … well, we wish the news were real. Thank you.
Comments
Damn, that Allison must be one hot squirrel!
Posted by Kaimin4Lyf on 10/31/2007 at 11:52 am
