April 3: 100 bucks if you hit the plane
University of Montana police received a call about a paraglider reenacting a scene from the movie “Casino” and landing a glider on the University’s golf course. When officers couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary on the course, they chalked it up to hypersensitivity following last week’s crash on Mt. Sentinel.
April 4: Words, words, words
A middle-aged man, who had no affiliation with the University, shared his conspiratorial and meandering life story in printed handouts on campus. Police confronted the man after receiving a complaint. UMPD Sgt. Brad Giffin described the handout as “pure gibberish,” but said the man was otherwise harmless.
April 5: Netflix and shrill
UMPD arrived at a University Villages apartment after somebody reported hearing a woman screaming for help. After further investigation, it turned out the tenants had the David Spade comedy, “Father of the Year,” on too loud. The shout occured at a point in the film when an actress realized she was in a David Spade comedy.
April 5: What’s in the box?
A Missoula lab is currently inspecting a package of syringes and possibly drugs found at the Lommasson Center. A UM employee called police after finding the package on the ground. Barring somebody claiming their lost box of syringes, it will be incinerated.
April 5: Broken record
Police had to intervene after a man at the University Center refused to turn down the music he had blasting on his phone, despite being asked nicely by employees. UMPD escorted him off campus and left the airwaves clear for those showoffs at the UC’s piano.
April 6: Who can it be now?
A drunk man knocking on random Univeristy Villages apartment doors prompted a resident to call UMPD. Officers found that he’d partied too hard and forgot which unit he lived in. In a joint effort, they were able to get him to his apartment safely.
April 8: For the birds
UMPD received a ghoulish report from somebody who found an osprey in the parking lot of Missoula College, with its head apparently chopped off. Officers ruled out any real foul play, but admittedly, UM does not employ any experts in bird law.