Dear Lori Laughlin, Felicity Huffman, various hedge fund manager dudes and other rich people who got caught bribing colleges to let in their dumb children, have we got a DEAL for you.
Here at the Montana Kaimin, we are taking it upon ourselves to offer your children a spot at our prestigious institution, the University of Montana, on the grounds that even your idiot kids could probably get in without bribing anyone and, let’s be honest, we could really use your money.
But let’s talk about what UM can do for you. We have plenty of empty dorms that could be easily converted into YouTube creation booths or Instagram shoot studios and our picturesque campus is perfect for those outdoor shots.
As a state school, we walk the line between a prestigious and well-respected institution and a holding pen for 18-year-olds that will let just about anyone in. You can work both sides of this reputation: Our good name will undoubtedly drum up some clout for your clout-chasing children, while our population’s extremely average level of intelligence will make them feel right at home. In fact, they’ll be the smartest rich kids on campus, because all of Montana’s smart rich kids went out of state, or at least to MSU.
Now that you’ve decided to reap the benefits of our generous offer, you’re probably wondering what we would ask of you in turn. Our one request is that you spend as much money supporting academic programs on our campus as you did trying to bribe your kids into those other schools. Spend your money actually enhancing the educational experience of the students who come here. Who knows, with all that cash going to pay for professors, research and learning materials, maybe some of your kids will actually get smarter!
And let’s face it, UM is in such a position that your support might count as community service, and hey, every bit helps when you’re facing time in federal prison!